One In A Million

 Taking in the sight of my beautiful, sweet friend, pale and weak in bed, I shake my head. "I was kinda afraid something like this would happen." 

"Huh?" My friend's voice emerges in a weak whisper from her lips. The only reason I can catch it is because of the otherwise pin drop quiet of the room. "What do you mean?" 

I cross the space between us to sit on the edge of her bed as she slowly shifts to a seated position. "Well, you give and give and give Maria." 

She opens her mouth to speak, but I keep going before she has the chance. 

"You can't keep giving to others unless there are others giving back to you as well." 

Tension tightens my chest as tears well in Maria's eyes. "How'd you know?" 

"You're always so selfless; reaching out, connecting, checking on everyone. But then, you kind of stopped. You withdrew into yourself." 

"I was selfish." Maria summed. 

Without so much as a split second's pause, I shake my head emphatically. "No. You are anything but selfish Maria." 

She stares at me, seeming a little lost for words. 

  "It's ok to turn the attention on yourself. It's important, and sometimes, it's needed." 

"Really?" 

"Yes. You know how I said that you can't give out to others unless others are giving out to you?" 

She nods. "Well, you were giving out to yourself. No one else was giving to you when you desperately needed it, so you turned in and you gave to yourself." 

The tears that had appeared in Maria's eyes start to fall. "No one seems to notice. No one checks in and reaches out the way I do with everyone else." 

"I know." I reach out to brush her arm with my fingers. "I'm sorry. I could've been a better friend to you. The way you are for everyone else. You deserve that, Maria. You are more deserving than anyone I know." I pause, feeling my breath start to catch on the lump forming in my throat. The lump of sobs wanting to rise, then fall along with Maria's. Determinedly, I swallow hard and take her hand in mine instead, squeezing gently. "I will." I promise her. "At least, I'll try. I'll try to be just as good a friend as you always are." Silence falls between us, my words hanging in the air. 

"Because you are not a problem to be solved, Maria, despite what you may've been told." I keep going after a few minutes, surprising even myself. But every word feels right. Like something that desperately needs to be said. That desperately needs to be heard. So I push on. "You are one of the kindest, most caring and compassionate, most beautiful souls there are out there. You are one of the most special people to exist..." I stop at the expression on her face. "And I mean that in the best way," I add, causing her to relax. "You are a diamond among coal, Maria. You are truly one in a million." 

I stop again, a little for breath, but also because I want what I say next to stand out, and to stick. "Never ever for one moment think you are anything less than an absolute gift and a blessing."    

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This story continues the Bleeding Heart collection, which starts here. 

Snow

It was as if her jaw was stuck, it had been hanging open for so long. Because the sight in front of her, what she had witnessed a few times now, still did not cease to amaze her, even though it appeared to be the way, in fact the very nature, of the small, furry creature she had acquired. 

Chris had known from the time she'd set eyes on the tuxedo cat that they were one. The sweet black and white cat seemed to have a heart made of pure, solid gold. Back at the shelter, the cat she'd adopted had been glued to the side of another, who, when Taylor looked closer, seemed a bit miserable. Her tuxedo cat had gone between the cats who appeared the saddest, brushing up close against them and sometimes licking them if they'd allow it, until the other cats appeared a little happier. It was as if these other cats each had their own personal storm cloud bucketing rain down upon them. Then, Chris's tuxedo cat had come along, like a little way of sunshine to brighten their day and provide a little reprieve from the rain. Chris had immediately been captivated. The impact seemed profound; each of the others her tuxedo cat had touched was somewhat changed by the presence, companionship and comfort the little tuxedo cat provided. Their moods were lifted, their spirits made brighter, their day just that little bit better. 

Upon arriving home, Chris's cat had gravitated straight toward her unwell and understandably grumpy grandfather. His demeanour remained, as if Chris's grandfather was determined to stay mad and grumpy. As if he preferred it. As if it were better. But, the little tuxedo cat also remained in position, perched on one arm of his lounge chair. 

Disgust and disapproval in his eyes, Chris's grandfather slowly looked up to meet her gaze. "What'd you bring this thing home for then?" He eyed the cat. 

"I thought you might be able to use a companion," Chris ventured carefully. 

Her grandfather 'hmmphed'. 

"And I thought that maybe, I might benefit from a friend." 

His gaze softened, just a slight fraction. His 'mmm' carried with it a very tiny hint at approval. 

Chris's attention returned to her new feline friend, still perched on the arm of her grandfather's chair. Her cat's gaze was on him, gentle and unthreatening. Chris's cat seemed to recognise there had been a crack in the older man's resolve, and this was the perfect chance to pounce. Slow and steady, paws padded closer until smooth, soft fur met wrinkly skin. 

Suddenly, Chris's grandfather seemed to snap out of the spell their new friend had momentarily cast him under and leaned back and away from the cat. His eyes found his granddaughter's. Chris searched them to find something of the cat's spell had remained. Though her grandfather still seemed stiff, his resolve, and demeanour with it, had softened some. 

Chris couldn't help smiling, just a little. "See? I told you it'd be good for you." 

"Has it got a name?" 

"Not yet." 

"Boy or girl?" 

"Dunno." 

Chris held her breath while her grandfather thought. It took great strength for her to maintain the tiny smile on her face while she watched her grandfather absentmindedly reach out to touch her cat, who moved back and forth beneath his hand to facilitate a pat. 

It was only when Chris and her grandfather awoke and wandered through the house the following morning that she thought of a name for their new companion. A little of her grandfather's grumpiness had returned at the sight of the state their house had been left in. 

"The cat found the tissues," he observed, voice rough with disdain. 

Chris wanted to laugh. On the floor were countless tiny fragments of tissues, scattered everywhere. A smile did crack her lips as her cat appeared before them. "Snow."  

Like Me

 The young child's face crumpled with confusion. They tipped their head slightly to the side and narrowed their gaze. Maybe it would make more sense if they focused in? Maybe not too, the child decided, straightening again as they shook their head. "I don't understand." Their small voice emerged in a whisper. "I just don't get it. "   

"Understand what?" The child's mother lowered herself into a equation order to meet their eyes at the same level. 

The child pointed, a disapproving scowl forming on their lips. 

She followed their finger. The screen to which her child was pointing was set to the news, which was covering a story about someone getting abused. 

"They like rainbows," her young child observed. She noticed the rainbow flag the person wore draped across their shoulders and her understanding set in. 

"Likely." Their mother answered. "They might also be part of the LGBTIQA+ community, Sam." 

Sam stared back at their mother for a while. "L, G, B, T...." They started to spell out, taking care with each letter. "Q, I, A, plus. That's a lot of letters!" 

Sam's mother couldn't help her laughter. "It is, but they all mean something." 

"What do they mean?" Sam's eyes sparkled with inquiry. 

With a small smile, Sam's mother explained each letter, one by one. "... and the plus is to represent other letters that aren't there or that come to mean something to the community." 

"I still don't understand." Sam said after a long while spent deep in thought. They pointed again. "Why are they getting hurt? Is it because they might be part of the LGB..." Sam stopped, starting to trip over the letters. The order was getting a little muddled in their brain. Sam took a breath, setting their jaw. "TQIA+ community?" 

Sam's mother sighed. "Yeah, that's likely." 

"But why?" Sam asked again. "I don't understand. They're kinda like me." 

Sam's father's brows danced as he caught the end of Sam's statement. 

"What do you mean?" Sam's mother asked. "Kinda like you?" 

Sam smiled bigger. "Well," they shook their head as they laughed. The answer seemed obvious! "I'm alive, they're alive." 

Sam's parents tensed slightly, though Sam didn't notice. 

"Also, they're a person, and I'm a person too!" Sam's grin grew bigger still. Their laughter was contagious, and Sam's parents couldn't help joining in, their tension at the possibilities of that person who'd been abused starting to ease. 

"That's very true, Sam." Their father said. "We are all people, we're all human." 

"So why..." Sam started to ask. 

Sam's parents said nothing for a time. They glanced at each other, then back at their inquisitive and kind hearted child. 

"There's really no good answer for that Sam," their father answered. 

"Some people are really mean and awful," Sam's mother continued. "Sometimes because they're hurting themselves, but other times, there's no good reason at all." 

Sam shook their head. "People shouldn't be mean." 

"No, they shouldn't." Sam's mother agreed. 

 "It's not nice to be not nice." 

"No, it's not." Sam's father affirmed. 

Sam's father took their hand in his. "It doesn't matter who else someone likes, what colour their skin might be, what religion they believe in, what abilities they might have, or anything else." 

Everyone deserves to be treated nicely." Sam's mother finished, taking Sam's spare hand with one of her own. "Do you know why?" She looked back at Sam. 

"Because..." Sam stopped, thinking. "Because we're all people. They're like me." 

"And me." Their mother squeezed Sam's hand. 

"And me." Sam's father said. "There are ways we might be different, but what counts is that there are also ways we're all the same."   

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Rainbow friends; today and every day, I stand with you. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤍🤎🖤 

For a list of terms relevant to the LGBTIQA+ community, head here. You can find more general information here.  And for LGBTQIA+ specific support, there's QLife in Australia, the LGBTQIA Resource Center's directory to find support in America and the ILGA directory to help you find support in Europe and Asia. 

You Know This… Right?

Devi couldn’t help but chuckle as she settled into her chair in front of the webcam. “So, there’s something I’ve realised.” She began. “It would seem I’m best at pouring my heart out in front of a camera as opposed to directly in front of you, in person, to your face. In that original video, I didn’t have an option. But now, I do have a choice, and I’m still here, coming to you from a screen. Maybe it’s cause this feels important, just like last time, and I want to make sure I get this across right. Maybe it’s cause doing it this way, I can have as many takes as I need.” She stopped for breath. 

“So, like I said, this feels important. It’s kind of an ‘I want you to know’…” Devi held her fingers up to air quote the last part. “Except, it’s also a bit ‘you know… right?’” She couldn’t help laughing again. “No pressure.” 

At all… Devi imagined one of her friends finishing, and struggled to keep a straight face. Until, a second later, a grin cracked her straight lips. “Alright, alright. Let me put y’all out of your misery.” She says, pretending she’d meant it all along. 

“I know I can be kinda intense sometimes. I’m an ‘all in’ type o’ gal.” The smile stays fixed on Devi’s face, while inside, she feels like hyperventilating. This was important, and it felt like there was tons of pressure. 

“But what I want you to know… what I want to make sure you know, is that it’s because of how deep my love and care for all of you goes. Because of everything I said in that last video, and everything I wrote in the envelopes.” Devi felt her shoulders drop a fraction as a little tension was eased with the memory of the first video and the individualised envelopes that had gone with it. “That’s a good example of the intensity I’m talking about. But also the depth.” Devi sighed, the anxieties that had been buried below starting to rise to the surface. “The intensity is because of the depth. Maybe I care and love too much, if that’s possible? I don’t know. The point is that there is an abundance of love and care. Like, way more than I can figure out how to quantify. What can I say, y’all are important to me. Like, really important.” 

Whether the laughter had something to do with hysteria or was more something of an attempt to ease more tension that had built back up, or maybe it was a mixture of both? “More of the intensity I was talking about…” she tells the camera, and her friends. “I know that could be a bit… confronting sometimes, which is why I wanted to make sure you know kinda where it comes from. It’s all outta a whole lot o’ love, and care, but mostly love. Purely platonic love that is.” Devi started to ramble before taking a breath to help rein herself back in. “But love all the same.” 

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This story follows on from I Want You To Know, which you can read here. 

When I Close My Eyes

When I close my eyes, it's just like it used to be. Like nothing has changed. When I close my eyes, it's like you never left at all. Because when I close my eyes, you are right there. Whenever I close my eyes, you're still here with me. 

Here, we're together, in our own little world. Just you and me. You take me in your arms and we sway in time with a silent song. I am lost in your eyes, not able to bring myself to look away for fear you'll somehow fade away. I don't want to let go of your hand for fear you might slip through my fingers and disappear completely, well beyond .  

Here, in this little world of ours, the rest of the world seems to melt away until it's just the two of us. 

We dance, just like we always used to. My eyes are closed, but here, it feels like we're dancing among the clouds. We're way up high, where nothing can touch us and no one can get to us.    

It's so easy to fool myself into thinking it's real. It feels real. I'd like it to be. So it is with great sadness that I open my eyes and real returns. But, I know that still, you are right there, just out of my reach. Even if it's only for a song, you are always there, waiting for me in the world of my dreams. Whenever I close my eyes.