Something Out There

 Lyndal sighed, exasperated. “Duff, I’m telling you. There’s nothing there!”

“You’re just saying that because it’s dark and cold out, and you couldn’t be bothered going to investigate,” Duff shot back. “I’m telling you, there is something out there.”

 

“Guys! Stop for a minute.” Duff's younger sister raised an open palm.  “I think Cal might be onto something.”

Lyndal and Duff shot her an unimpressed look, but they did fall silent. The three waited a few minutes until…

 

“There,” said Duff at the sound of a soft rustle outside. “There it is again.”

“I hear it too,” His sister agreed.

Lyndal crossed her arms over her chest, not wanting to admit that that time, she'd heard it to.

Duff turned back to her. “Now can we go look?”

“Alright. Fine.”

 

“Don't forget a torch!” Duff’s sister handed it to him as he went to step out of the tent.

He shot her a grateful grin. “Thanks Ellie.”

Ellie scrambled to stay close to her brother, Lyndal trailing a little behind them.

 

The three teenagers stopped when they reached what was surely the source of the rustling. In unison, their mouths dropped open. None of them could believe their eyes. Even when Duff shone his torchlight on it…

 

“Aww!” Lyndal cooed. “It’s so cute!”

The Duff siblings turned to stare at her, not sure whether what they'd seen or Lyndal's reaction was more shocking.

“I guess it is kind of cute.” Eli admitted, looking back down at it.

Callum was the only one still sceptical, a brow raised. “D’ya think?” He asked, looking between the two young women. “We don't even know what ‘it’ is. All we can say for sure is that it's something none of us have seen before.”

“But it's so cute!” The girls cooed again.

“We've got to take it with us,” Lyndal spoke up. “It needs someone to take care of it.”

Callum opened and  closed his mouth. He wanted to question whether that was such a good idea as Lyndal seemed to think, but he knew better. Lyndal was stubborn, and when she got an idea there was rarely any changing her mind. He shrugged. He had to admit that she did have a heart of gold. If anyone could take care of this creature, it’d be her.

The Difference I See

While everyone else seems to be criticising this new English romance film, I’m sitting over here, by myself,  in support of it. Yeah, it’s not exactly something I would’ve necessarily expected of myself either.  Headlines like ‘better off dead than disabled’ is not exactly the most enticing advertisement, especially when you’re someone who actually has disability… but here we are. Seeing disability in a film feels like a rarity. Who am I to pass up the opportunity to see it, even if it’s a controversial one? Beggars can’t be choosers after all. So in spite of the criticism, I give it a go anyway. And honestly, I’m glad that I did. Because I see it differently. Let me tell you way. 

There is definite validity to the concerns about how young and impressionable minds maybe shaped by the narrative and the possible reflection of societies perception of disability it indicates. But I see a little bit more than that. In the lead, disabled character, I see someone not too unlike myself. Someone who has struggled frustrations life with disability means, and with the fact that those frustrations are their life. I’m someone who was born like this, with disability. But that character acquired their disability-  it hasn’t always been there for them. I imagine their frustrations and their struggles would be so much worse knowing the difference. From that lens, I can totally understand where their story took them, because I’ve been there too. Okay maybe not the exact same situation but the feeling is definitely one that’s familiar. 

In my experience, suicidality and suicidal ideation come about when someone can’t see any other way out of the pain or struggle they’re experiencing. It comes when someone can’t see an end to their suffering. When it might feel like they have no control left and there’s nothing else they can do. It’s an immensely dark place to be, but in that place, ending your life feels like a way to end suffering, A way out of the struggle, A way of taking back control. Often it feels like the only way to achieve all of those things. Take it from someone who’s been stuck in that dark place. 

Disability in a world built for ability. The frustration of having to try to navigate that world. Of being made to feel like, or worse, outright told that you don’t belong or there’s not a place for you in that world.  That’s the real problem. Because there’s nothing someone with a disability can actually do to get rid of it. It’s part of them whether they like it or not just the same as your eye colour is a part of you. And with how you can feel or be made to feel in the world sometimes I promise you that no one would necessarily choose disability. But at the same time, especially when it’s always been part of you, you wouldn’t not choose it either. 

I think that’s the kind of thing the main character in that story was struggling with. The thing that led them to seek to end their life . The frustration of a life newly filled with these struggles of living in a world not made or designed for you, where the price they have to pay is the full and rich life they used to have. A life they loved but can never have in the same way again. 

Given time, they might have been able to see or discover beauty in their new life. But the real tragedy, to my mind, is that they were stuck in that dark place. When you’re stuck in that dark place, it’s too dark to see any kind of possibility. The only way out you see is a pretty definite way, but in that dark place, it seems the only way. 

‘Disability is not a tragedy’, is the argument of many who are of the perspective the film’s message is ‘better off dead then disabled’. But for many, especially those who acquire their disability, it is a tragedy. It is vital that that’s allowed. If it’s not, there be many more who find themselves stuck in that dark place and who have more pain than is necessary. Disability doesn’t have to be a tragedy, but sometimes, it can feel like one. Feeling like your world as you know it has ended, can feel like a tragedy. That’s the difference I see. This movie is the story of one person. One person who has been handed a life they never imagined, nor asked for, at the cost of a life they loved. I think anyone who was put into that position might feel similarly. 

People with disability are not better off dead, But to some, it can feel like they would be. That problem lies in the society that’s not built for difference. A society that could be more accepting and inclusive of difference. A society where difference is often judged and hated on by others. That’s the difference I see. 

All of that doesn’t mean that the dark will always be. When you’re in the dark, it does feel like that, I know, but take it from someone who’s been there, it won’t. There will be a way out. And if you are someone like me he’s felt like that’s the only way out of your different, remember, different isn’t necessarily all bad. Some things and people might make you feel like different is all bad but that’s on them. It’s not your fault world isn’t set up for different. Just hold on. Life will come. You’ll find your way.

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If this story has raised any issues for you, please reach out for support from somewhere like Lifeline (Australia), or the equivalent in your country, and please take good care of you. 

One Day, In The Time of Sakura

 I wish I could come to Japan. In my mind I'm already there, leaving my body behind at my computer. So maybe what I really want is for my physical being to catch up to my imagination.
I know, comes my friend’s reply. I wish we could really meet. Be in the same place. Maybe one day we will
Me too. I hope so. “More than anything.” I can't help the heavy sigh as my dreaming mind jolts back into my head. I hear my sister's frustrated groans, and the ache of wistful longing grows.
 
If I were there, with you, I keep typing to my friend, I'd be free. It wouldn't be like here. Here it feels like I'm in a cage sometimes. A message has been sent before I really have a chance to think about it, my mind having drifted off again to preferable fantasies.
I see the dots dance and flash rhythmically while my friend types on the other side of the screen. One day, Chō Hana, when it is the time of the Sakura. It is so beautiful then.
Their words send me off down another dreamy vision. I imagine the two of us, walking down a path lined with beautiful pale pink cherry blossoms, all in bloom. The sun is shining and the air is warm. When is Sakura?
 Around March, April. Comes their reply. April is the best time though.
 
I feel pleasant warmth start to bloom within me, rising upwards. It seems to take with it the usual tightness that rests on my chest. My brain, meanwhile, has raced on ahead. April. There's potential for that to be in the next set of school holidays. I could actually go! This dream that we've been dreaming about could finally be reality!   
 
The sound of my sister’s cries sends a rock thumping back into place over my heart. I wish, is all I can think to say to my friend. I know that no matter how much I want to, I can't go. I can't leave her. Not when she needs me. 
One day, Chō Hana. One day. I have faith.
I can't wait, I say, allowing myself to indulge in imagination again. It's going to be wonderful. I won't be a problem there, with you. I'll be free.
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Author's note: There are a few Japanese words in this story. Roughly translated, they are: 
 Sakura- Cherry Blossom 
Chō- Butterfly 
Hana- Flower

My Little Fish Friend

 Just like always when I walk into my bedroom, my little fish friend is there waiting for me, swimming around in his tank. Just like always, it makes me smile to see him. “I’m glad I’ve got you.”
He swims closer to where I settle, on a plush chair near his tank. “You’re a good friend. You’re always here for me.” I shift my gaze to look from one side of his tank to the other. “Not that you have much of a choice.” I can’t help chuckling. Once the laughter dissipates, I shrug. “But you are still here. That’s more than I can say for many.” My breath is hot as it falls from my mouth. I blink at the prickle in my eyes. I know there are tears there, but I also know that that's where they'll stay. I can't ever seem to make them fall.
 
I refocus my gaze on my little fish friend, who has been watching me this whole time. He blinks back at me.
“I suppose that you can't really cry either, can you?”
He opens and closes his mouth a few times, though only bubbles escape.
I watch as they float upwards, toward the surface.
“I wish I could speak fish, so I could understand what you're trying to tell me right now.” My breath catches in my throat as I go to inhale.
 
“But it's worse for you, huh?” I say after a while, leaning closer to where he bobs in place. “You can't cry, but you don't have a voice either.” I touch my fingers slightly to my throat, feeling the lump that's starting to form there, about the same place my breath caught. It's painfully rock hard. “Sometimes, I lose my voice too.”
My little fish friend’s big eyes are steady on me as I talk.
“Usually in the worst times when I need my voice the most is when it escapes me, and I just clam up. It’s like my mind is a tank that I'm trapped in…” I stop, allowing my eyes to wonder once again over his tank. “Sorry. That was a bad analogy.” I let out a long, hot breath. “But that's the thing. You get me. In a way that no one else seems to, you understand.” My smile returns and grows a little bigger as I look at him, still next to me. Or as close as he can get. “I’m glad I've got you, my little fish friend.”   

Love & Loss

 “So, y’all know that I do these videos, but did I ever tell you why?” Devi paused as if to allow room for a response. Except really, this being video and all, the question was kind of rhetorical. But, she figured, maybe it would still give whoever was watching a chance to answer for themselves. “I mean, it did start with COVID when I couldn't actually see any of you in person but there was still things I wanted to say and wanted you to know. The thing is though, that the kinds of things on my mind are usually pretty personal and vulnerable so saying them to a video, plus being able to have as many takes as I need…” Devi chuckled to herself at memories of such occasions, recording and re-recording over and over again until she was happy.  

 

“… But it's not just that. I've had a fair bit of loss the last few years. Like many. Something I’ve learned is that loss can be like an uninvited ice cold splash of water to the face- it's a shock, and it also kinda wakes you up a bit. Some of my losses made me wonder, if someone’s send off from this life is the people they loved and had connections with saying all the things they loved about them, why don't we say that in life, when the person can actually hear it and feel it?” Devi stopped and tried her best to swallow around a rock hard lump in her throat. “Why do we wait? I don't wanna wait anymore. That's where these videos started, and yes, it has been a little too confronting for some, who've turned around and in ways attacked me for who I am and these lovely qualities that make me, me.” 

 

Devi stopped again. She wanted to say the thing that everyone says in an attempt at comfort when a relationship breaks up or ends because the other person walked away; that it was their loss. She knew that to be true, but it didn't feel to her like just their loss. She'd been drawn to these people for a reason, She'd loved and connected with them for a reason. Yes, that had now been clouded by their final actions and the way things had ended in those friendships, but those reasons still existed. But really, even though she'd lost too, the absence of her in their lives was a loss.

 

“But anyway,” Devi continued her video recording. “Those losses I’ve had taught me the importance of love, and so I wanted to explain where I'm coming from, so that you know, and hopefully so that you can understand why I do these videos.” She paused to take a breath, making sure she was looking directly at the camera. “I don't want you to have any doubt about how I feel. I want you to remember but you are loved, because I know what it's like to not feel like you’re valued, or even wanted. It's horrible and not something that I want anyone else to experience if I can help it at all. Also, contrary to what some might think, love is not something that is finite. I mean this in the sense that there's not necessarily a limited quantity to go around. Spreading love, like spreading joy costs nothing, so I'm going to do it until my last breath. Because life is pointless without them." Devi smiled. "Thank you, Lewis, for helping me find the words to express and explain this." She referred not to a friend, but to the talented Scottish singer-songwriter she'd grown fond of, particularly for his ability to articulate his experiences and perspective through music.  "Y'all I'm taking 'treat others how you want to be treated' to a whole new level.”     

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This story continues the story of Devi, 'Devi's Diaries' which started here. 

Special shout out to the amazing Lewis Capaldi, who's sharing of the meaning behind his song Pointless helped inspire this story.