Only Me

 Left all alone with only me, myself and I for company. No one else to listen. No one else to care.  No one else who's interested. No one else who wants to know. Only me. 

One arm that works. Half a body that will cooperate. Some invisible aura that must scream I'm contagious! Stay away! Only me. 

Ostracism, exclusion, isolation and loneliness. Rejection and hurt. Self hatred and self blame  Monsters that exacerbate it all. Only me. 

Surely, it's all only me. It must be. I'm the problem. I have to be. No one else is left alone. No one else has a body that doesn't work quite right. No one else is always avoided. Only me. 

Only me. So what am I doing wrong? So many questions left unanswered. So many things still unknown. So much still remains in shadow. I'm not sure if any of it will ever see the light. The struggle wasn't made any easier. If only I'd known then what I know now. If only. 

If only I knew back then what my life would become. How much better it would be if I could just hold on and keep waiting a little longer. Good things come to those who wait, my grandmother always said. If only I'd known how right she'd turn out to be. If only. 

If only I'd had a glimpse of what was to come. The things yet to be. The people I was yet to find if only I could keep swimming, just like Dory always said. After the storm comes the rainbow, so they say. If only I'd known the storm would come to an end. If only. 

If only I could tell myself that proof was on it's way. The monsters were wrong, our peers young and afraid. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so the story goes. If only I'd known that song could be my anthem If only I'd known how much better it is here on the other side. If only. 

If only I could travel in time and bring the younger me to see her future. The future where the darkness was lesser then the light. Where the sun shines so brightly, it could easily send you blind. If only the past could glimpse the future where the light is visible at the end of a tunnel that doesn't exist. If only. 

If only that hurting, scared and lonely little girl could see that one day, it'd all be different. One day, life would be sweet. All she'd ever wanted and wished for would come. All she'd dreamed of, she'd have. All she'd ever hoped for would be hers.  She wouldn't believe it. She wouldn't listen to anyone else. Only me.   

On Hold

“Hey Freema.” She smiled when her friend’s face appeared on her screen. She couldn't help it. Seeing her friend always made her feel great, but today more than usual. “It’s good to see you again. Like actually see you. Because I don’t think I have. Not since…”
“I’ve lost track of how long…” Freema said.
“January. It was January.”
“Wow. That was months ago.” Freema shook her head. “Jaicey, I can’t believe your memory.”
Jaicey shrugged.
“It’s good to see you, too.” Freema grinned back. “How are you going?”
“Yeah... I’m alright. I miss you, though.”
“Miss me? Jaice, we talk all the time. We’re talking right now.”
“I know. It’s just... it’s not the same. Actually seeing you and being with you is a whole other thing. This... This is good. Don’t take this as me not being grateful, because I am. This is a thousand times better than nothing. But it’s… it’s just not the same, Freema.”
“We’ll hang out again soon.”
“I know. But who knows when that’ll be?”
“Waiting will just makes it sweeter when it finally does come.”
“Yeah. I suppose you’re right.” Jaicey sighed. “I’m just... I’m sick of not being able to be with anyone other than my Mum. I’m sick of everything being on hold.”

Freema’s face softened. “I kind of like it though. I mean, my house is a little quiet for once.”
Jaicey couldn’t help but laugh. She hadn't actually been to Freema's, yet, but she'd heard a lot of stories about how Freema's huge extended family would show up unannounced all the time. It's like a constant party, Freema had told her once. And it gets really tiring.
“No one can come over. It’s just my immediate family here and that’s it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still noisy. But not anywhere near as much as it usually is.”
“I guess it would be nice to have a break from the normal craziness of things.” Jaicey took a breath. “But I don’t know, Free. I feel like too much of any good thing can stop feeling good when you have too much of it. I.. I feel like I’ve had a good break, and now I want to get back into it. Except I can't.”
“Get back into what? School hasn’t stopped.”
"Yeah, but are we actually going to get to graduate?"
Freema's shoulders slumped in defeat. "We'll still finish," she said. "We might not get the ceremony, but we'll still finish."
"I suppose." Jaicey sighed. "I don't know... It's just... We've worked toward this for so long. It'd be nice to celebrate it being all over."
"We still can," Freema said. "We might just have to wait a while."
"Which will make it better and sweeter." Jaicey finished.
Freema nodded. "Yeah. We've just got to wait it out a bit."

"I know." Jaicey said, feeling something like a small child. "We're all waiting. But I'm sick of waiting."
"Everyone is waiting, Jaicey." Freema pointed out. "What is it that you're tired of waiting for?"
"Life,” Jaicey said. “It feels like this thing has stolen away all the good in it. Like, I can still go get needles for vaccinations and stuff-"
"That's necessary," Freema interjected.
Jaicey's gaze fell while she nodded in acknowledgement. "Yeah, I know," she whispered.  "But it doesn't feel like I’m allowed to do anything good. Like going to the movies, or the theatre. Like seeing you.” She sighed. "That's what I miss. More than anything. Because those are the things that help me feel better when I don't feel good at all. Like now."
“Jaice, I promise you. You’re going to be longing for this time when life starts up again. For the slowness and the chill. Trust me.”
Jaicey shrugged, not entirely convinced. “Maybe.”
“This will end, Jaicey. I promise you it will.” Freema’s eyes searched her friend’s, perhaps for a hint of agreement. “For now, just try and make the most of it.”
"I'm trying," Jaicey said, voice heavy. "I just.. I feel like I'm losing time."
Freema nodded, and Jaicey felt her breath catch in her throat. Was her friend finally starting to understand?
"We're all losing time, Jaicey." Freema's voice was soft. "If you want to put it that way. We can't help the fact that the whole world is kind of on hold right now. We can't help that we have no control over the fact that the big giant pause button has been hit on life. What we can do is use the time to our advantage. We can use this time to do the things we've always wanted, to chase after the dreams we've always wished would come true."
Jaicey released a breath when her eyes rose to meet her friend's gaze.
"You know what I think?"
"What?"
"I think that we only lose time if we waste it on things that don't matter." Freema said, spirited. "So take this time to figure out what does matter so you don't lose time on things that don't."
"You matter." Jaicey spoke up in a small voice.
"So do you, my friend." Freema's smile widened slightly. "But I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere, Jaicey. We've still got each other. We're in this together."
Jaicey nodded.
"So, focus on that," Freema said. "Focus on what you do have rather than lamenting everything you don't."
"I'll try," Jaicey said solemnly. "I promise I'll try."

I Want You To Know

Devi's face filled the screen. She was beaming so brightly, it'd be nearly impossible not to smile along with her.
"So this situation we've got going," she started. "It's really got me thinking. If you're watching this, that means that you are one of the most special people to me. You are one of the most important people in my world and you are one of the ones I love the most. I'd hope you know anyway, you should do, but just in case. There's that little reminder." She took a breath, then started to laugh. "Ok. I just realised that this sounds like one of those videos people record when they know they're dying for their loved ones to watch once they're gone." She waved her hands frantically across the screen. "Let me tell you, nothing like that is happening here. I'm not dying. I'm not going anywhere. Quite literally. None of us are going anywhere right now." Another small chuckle escaped her lips.

"But this situation has kind of reminded me of my own mortality and there's some things that I want you to to know." Devi exhaled and wriggled to a more comfortable position in her chair. "Again, I hope none of this will be news to any of you, but just in case you need that reminder, here it comes. Because this is the thing that I've been thinking about. Why is it that we're so scared to express ourselves while we're all together in this life? Why do we tell the people we love everything about our love when they're no longer around to hear it? I'll give you a sec to think on that."

Devi imagined people laughing when they got to this part of the video and watched her roll up her sleeves.
Ooh, she means business now, she imagined at least one of them saying.
"So, here's what I want you to know," she said, taking a breath before she continued. "First, I want you to know that I love you with everything that I am." She cringed at the thought that entered her mind, but she went with it anyway. The only ones who would see this were people that knew her inside and out already. "It's cheesy, but it's kinda... no. It's exactly like that John Legend song. You know the one? All of me..." she started to sing, then trailed off again, leaving space for her viewer to finish the lyric. "Anyway, that. I love you. To borrow from Mr. Rogers, I love you exactly as you are, and I love you because you're you. There will be different reasons for everyone watching this video. That little envelope you got with this? That's what that is. It's the why. Why I love you." She lifted one finger, holding it up so the camera could see. "Anyway, that's number one." She lowered her finger.

"Second," The screen cut to a snippet of the opening from Friends, right around where the male leads' names started coming up.
"Couldn't have said it better myself." Devi folded her arms across her chest, satisfied. "Slight side note; if you haven't heard this song, do me a favour and go take a listen. To the full version. Cause it's awesome, and catchy, and did I say awesome already?" She waved a hand in the air. "Anyway, the second thing I want you to know is I'll be there for you. Always. All you have to do is call me and I'll be there. It doesn't matter what it is. Think I can't handle it? Try me. Cause I'll bet you that I can. Whatever the weather. I'll be there. Cause I know when I've needed it, whenever I need it, you've been there for me." She lifted two fingers. "That's number two."

Devi lowered her fingers. "Now, before I get to the third thing I want you to know, there's something I want you to do for me." She grinned. "What I want you to do for me is to remember those first two things. Remember that I love you, remember that I love you exactly as you are, just because you're you. That's enough. I love you. And remember that I'll be there for you. Always. No matter what it is, whatever the weather. All you have to do is call me. I'll be there."

The video momentarily cut to a black screen. Just long enough for whoever was watching to be fooled into thinking that it might have malfunctioned. Then, Devi's face reappeared and her grin widened. "And finally, third. Now, I want you to really listen to this one, cause it's the most important of all of them." Devi took a breath. Then, "The third and final thing I want you to know is how grateful I am to have you in my life. My life is made infinitely better and brighter because you're in it. Again, there's different reasons for everyone, so take another look at that envelopes. But you've all  shared in my down times and helped me celebrate the good times too. So I'm grateful for you." She lifted her fingers in the air a third time. "That's number three."

Lowering her fingers, Devi let out a breath. "Having said all of that, just as an added bonus, I also want you to know that I can't wait to keep going through life with you part of it. I can't wait to share with you and celebrate with you. I can't wait for everything that's going to come. You know what? You want to know something else?" Devi paused, reaching for something just outside the camera's view. "Our future's gonna be so bright." Devi slid a pair of sunglasses over her eyes. "I've gotta wear shades." 

It's All Good

"How are you always so happy Brook?"

Brook smiled as her gaze turned to the window, and the world beyond. Outside, the sun was shining down and that was enough. She could go outside and bask in it's warmth. Because... why not? Did she really need a reason? Even if it did start to rain, that'd be a-ok with her. It wouldn't make a difference or change a thing, after all. Sure, maybe she'd get a little wet, but that wouldn't stop her from venturing out to go dancing in it.

But, absolutely nothing could beat the time after rain had fallen, when the sun had come out again. Only then could you have the best of both worlds. You had the puddles left over from the rain that you could jump in. But what's more, you also had the sun to warm the water for you. Everything was fresh from the rain and the sun beamed down, lighting the world anew and making all the water droplets that were leftover sparkle. But do you want to know what's even better? The best part? On top of all of it, there was a rainbow waiting to be found just around the corner.

"How can you not be?" Brook turned back to her mother. "It's all good. The sun always ends up shining again. You just have to wait."  

This Will End

This will end. That is my mantra. That is what I tell myself. The words run through my mind on so constant a loop that I  feel like a broken record. I repeat it over and over in a bid to force myself to believe them.

This will end. This is what I have been telling myself for the past... I don't even know how long it's been now. Long enough that I've lost track. The problem is, the deeper we go into this thing, the harder it gets to actually believe that it's true.

This will end. It's true. It has to be. What else is there that I can hold on to if it's not? The world is unraveling fast around me and it really seems like the end. Except it's not. It just feels that way. I can tell myself that it will end all I want, but I'm not so convinced anymore... What I am convinced of is the very real, more likely possibility that I'm going slightly mad...

I'm going slightly mad. Oh dear. But it's true. Trying to ignore the rising panic, the fear and anxiety-inducing news reports. The lack of clarity and certainty about when this will all be over. You'd think blocking out the world would be easier now, but the hissed whispers still creep under the crack of the closed door to lurk in the shadows and haunt me and it's becoming harder and harder.

I'm going slightly mad. We know each other quite well now; me, myself and I. We're getting to that point though where we may well have had too much of a good thing. I want nothing more than to get away from myself, so that I'll miss me. Except I can't. There's nowhere I can go. I am trapped here.

I'm going slightly mad. The allure of spending all this time alone faded away long ago. Staying home all day has turned into a bore- and I liked being at home! I loved it! It was my sanctuary. But the tables turn quickly when all your choices are taken away. And so I tell myself that this will end.

This will end. I will drive myself mad saying it until I believe it. Because it has to end. It just has to. The world can't be ending for forever. It has to go back to normal at some point, surely. I'm going slightly mad waiting and trying to believe it, but this will end.