In Other Words

Mickey Fisher opened his mouth, only to release a stream of nonsensical words that were most definitely not English. Well, it might have been some semblance of English, but it didn't make sense. Even to Laurel Richards, who had known Mickey for longer than she could remember. He might not have had many words, but Laurel always understood what he was trying to say in the end. It was just said in other words.

She sighed, a soft smile spreading across her lips as he approached, grinning brightly back at her. Ever the dapper gentleman, Mickey was dressed as if he'd just come from an evening cocktail reception in a dinner jacket of blue-green velvety suede. He might have, she reasoned. Mickey attended lots of fancy formal dinners for this charity or that fundraiser. She'd even accompanied him to a few. Just not this one, and she felt suddenly underdressed in her floaty mint green dress.

Mickey proffered his arm, smile unwavering, and she looped it through her own. He waltzed her around the expanse of the otherwise empty gazebo with gentle grace, their path lit by a few street lamps along the edges. With anyone else, Laurel would have been self conscious and worried about prying eyes judging them. But Mickey had this way of taking her away to another world. Another world where it was just the two of them, enjoying each other's company.

Pausing midstep, Mickey looked at her, eyes shining as he pointed at the bright full moon in the sky above them.
"Do you want to go to the moon Mickey?" Laurel asked.
He shook his head, let go of his hands and pointed, this time to himself, then her, and finally, back up at the moon.
"You want to go to the moon with me?"
Again, he shook his head. He pointed again; at himself, her, then the moon before laying his hand flat in the air and swiping it sideways.
Laurel gasped as understanding set in. It was like he'd read her mind. "It is kind of like we're on the moon!"
Mickey's grin widened.
"In other words," she said, smiling, "another world."
Again he nodded.
"I like us having our own little world."
Mickey's grin widened more, lighting his eyes and making them sparkle. Reaching out, he took her hand, kissing it before pulling her closer and starting to dance her round again.

They danced long enough for her to lose track of time. It must have been well after midnight be the time he pulled away. But Mickey held on to her hands, still beaming. He looked at Laurel in silence. She waited. He stayed silent. Suddenly, she realised that he was waiting. But she wasn't sure what for. "In other words?" she tried questioningly, wincing.
He nodded before letting go of his hands. As he pointed and signed, Laurel translated aloud to herself.
First, he pointed at himself.
"I."
Next, at his chest.
"Love," she said, making a heart shape with her hands.
Finally, he pointed at her.
"You." Laurel stopped, her jaw dropping a few inches. "Wait.. What?" She signed and spoke back to him slowly, still half in shock.
"You," She pointed to him.
"Love," made a heart shape with her hands over her chest.
"Me?" she pointed at herself.
Eagerly, he nodded.
"In other words," she filled in for him after a moment.
He signed again, pointing to himself, his chest and then at her.
"I love you."

Just A Blip

It's just a blip, it's just a blip, it's just a blip. Alex Murphy had said the same words over and over so many times he'd lost count. He felt like a broken record. The world as he knew it seemed on the verge of imploding. The life he'd built for himself felt like it hinged upon this one moment. This one decision. A decision that wasn't even up to him. 

Alex felt it ironic that he was a Murphy when the fate of his future lay in the hands of Mrs. Murphy. Well, soon to be ex Mrs Murphy. If things had been reversed, he might have thought it a sign in the beautiful lens that was hindsight. He would have beat himself up. He would have convinced himself that he should have seen it coming all along.  

She'd given him a taste of the life he'd always dreamed of. A life he'd longed for. Love, children, family. A life, full and rich. Then, she'd ripped it all away, like pulling a rug from beneath his feet. He'd been left on his knees, reeling as he watched them disappear. 

Somehow, she'd turned him into the bad guy. His life had been turned upside down in an instant. He didn't remember the last time he'd spoken properly to his little girl, or spent quality time with his son. "It's just a blip," he told himself again. And it was. 

His kids were still there, even if he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen them. He just had to wait, and let fate run it's course. Because he knew, somewhere, deep down, that this wouldn't last forever. He was just in a blip, but it would go away, and life would be back to normal again. A new normal, maybe. But normal all the same.

One day, he'd look back on this time and remember the hurt and the heartache. He'd remember the fearful what if's that haunted his thoughts and the stress of the weight of all of it, resting upon him. One day, he'd remember all of it and breathe a sigh of relief that it was all over. But he'd smile too, knowing that it'd had to happen. He'd needed the reminder. The reminder that he was stronger than he thought he was. That he was a fighter, and that he could make it through. That no matter how bad it seemed, he would come out on the other side.  

Frozen Heart

As she sat weeping on the floor, the young man stood, arms folded as he scowled at her. “This is illogical,” he said matter of factly.

This snapped the woman momentarily from her sorrow, “What are you?” she asked, the volume of her voice rising. “The tin man?”

The young man stared back at her blankly.

“Were you raised by Vulcans?”  

He said nothing.

The woman continued to stare at him. Jamie stared unseeingly back. His mind raced ahead, trying to process the input and analyse it all for possible meaning. Keeley had been crying. Then, when she had spoken to him, her voice had been louder. She could almost have been growling like a dog. Dogs were mad when they growled. Jamie knew that. So Keeley was mad. He’d told her that what she was doing was illogical. That was true. So why was she angry? All he’d done was tell her the truth….

Oh. Wait. That was it. Right there. He’d told her the truth. You weren’t always supposed to do that, he remembered now. He’d always found the pesky business of emotions tricky. That’s why he’d flipped the switch to turn them off.

“I wasn’t supposed to say that,” he said suddenly, his voice a dull monotone. He stopped himself from adding the question, was I? The question was illogical. There was no point asking when he already knew the answer.

Keeley gasped.

“I wasn’t supposed to say that,” he said again. It sounded exactly the same as the first time he’d said it, as if he was now playing back a recording.

Robbed of speech, Keeley simply nodded, mouth agape.

Jamie’s brows furrowed together as he studied her. Why did she leave her mouth hanging open like that? Was she trying to imitate a koi fish when it saw food? That was also illogical. She was a human being who could feed herself a lot more than tiny, multi coloured pellets.

Jamie turned his head sideways, as if this new perspective would somehow give him the answer. “Why is your mouth open like that?”

Immediately, Keeley shut her jaw, her face growing warm.

Now, her face is going red, thought Jamie to himself. Is she hot? Embarrassed? He paused. That possibility seemed likely. He’d pointed out a non-conventional behaviour. Was that unacceptable? He moved a hand to scratch his head, ruffling his dark brown hair as he did so. He wouldn’t have thought so. In any case, it wasn’t as unacceptable as his earlier action of pointing out that her crying was illogical. The phrase ‘there’s no use crying over spilled milk’ came to mind. Crying would not change the fact that the milk had been spilled. If one cried enough, it may even add to the danger already posed by the existing puddle. Before he knew what was happening, laughter had escaped his lips. His eyes widened as the sound reached his ears, slapping his hand over his mouth. Keeley, continuing to watch him, raised an eyebrow.

Oh no. The clinicians who’d performed the procedure had warned him about this. But he didn’t think it would ever actually happen. Not to him. He was stronger than that. Much more stubborn.

“No one does,” he remembered them saying now, shaking their heads. With what? Pity? Oh no. It was happening!

He felt the heat rising within him as the effect of the flipped switch on his heart started to take effect. He shook his head wildly, scrunching his eyes tightly shut. As if this would make it all stop. Or go away. Or both.

“No!” he wailed, falling to the ground. He reached out as if he could close his fingers around what he’d had a moment ago. But it was only a feeling. And now, there were too many of them. He started to cry as all the emotions he’d erased with the literal flip of a switch came flooding back to haunt him, all at once. Each breath was a shaky gasp as he forced air in and out of his lungs.

“Now who’s the illogical one?” Keeley asked.  Jamie opened his eyes to see her standing over him, hands on hips. Was this… unimpressed? Yes. Keeley was unimpressed. Oh no. It was really coming back.

The wave of pent up emotions hit him, knocking him far beneath the surface. He remembered what it was like to feel unimpressed, annoyed, angry, frustrated. He remembered the headaches that had been caused by stress and anxiety over the tiniest little details. He could almost feel the tension building in his head at the mere thought. He certainly felt the heat. It was all over now, and growing hotter by the minute. He fell down further on to his back on the ground.

“Is there a fire?” he choked out, looking at Keeley’s boots.

“No, I think it’s just you,” she squatted down, her green eyes meeting his. “Sorry.” Her face softened. Pity. Definitely pity.

He remembered feeling pity, and sadness too. The memories felt like someone squeezing his heart. Jamie clutched at his chest, squeezing his eyes shut tight and gritting his teeth hard at the agony. He would not scream. He would not cry. He would not release the emotion that seemed to be threatening to kill him. That would be letting it win.

It felt like he’d been dropped into a pit of molten lava. His flesh was surely burning off. He was on fire. He must be. What other explanation was there? Another jolt of pain coursed through him, pounding in time with his heart. His heart. That was it. He focused on the sensation of his hand on his chest, feeling the thumping rhythm of his heart as he closed his eyes. That was it. His heart. As he paid close attention, Jamie noted that the rhythmic beating seemed to be growing fainter. It was melting. Like an iceblock under the heat of the sweltering summer sun. 

Ice. Cold. He remembered that feeling too. When he’d had the procedure to flip his switch. He’d been so cold. Like he was encased in ice. His heart was encased in ice. That’s how they did it. They froze around the heart. It was a delicate procedure. They had to ensure it could still beat and function properly to sustain life, but shut off transmissions to the emotion’s centre. Flick off his feelings. So at first, he was freezing.

“You’ll get used to it,” they’d told him. “The numbness the cold brings with it will help.” They’d been right. The cold numbness had coated Jamie like a protective second skin, shielding him from sentience.

Jamie gasped. It was that second skin that was melting, he realised, and the frozen casing around his heart. Not his heart itself. Still, he felt he could evaporate into steam from the scorching temperature alone. He shut his eyes again, focusing on the passage of air in and out through his nose and mouth.

The emotions washed over him like a crashing wave hitting the shore. Sadness, anger, fear, frustration. He remembered them all. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter still and longed for the freezing cold numbness of peace.    

You'll See Me Again

I remember all those nights when I cried myself to sleep without you. The pain is less now, but sometimes, I still miss you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't still wish you were here.

That day, I thought you'd gone for good. Never to be seen again. But I heard someone say recently that nothing's truly gone. It's only out of place, and for the first time in a while, a smile crept across my face. That's nicer than thinking I'll never see you again. But it's not easy. None of this is easy.

The tears well in my eyes when your face appears in my mind. It was like I only saw you yesterday, but it's been so much longer than that. Nearly half a year. But then I remember, you're still around, even if you've disappeared from view. You're not gone. Not really. You're just invisible. I feel bad, laughing at the thought. But you would have liked that. It's only a pity that you had to die before you finally got your superpower.

You're around. You're just hiding somewhere, waiting until the day I find you and we see each other again. Because I will see you again. You promised me that. I remember now.  You clasped my hands in yours, and forced me to look at you. I leaned in close to hear your words, your faint whisper the product of all the strength you could muster. A tiny weight rises with the memory, and the realisation that you no longer have that struggle or that frustration. You're free now. Free and invisible.

As pleased as you would have been with it, that pesky superpower is like pinpricks piercing my heart. I'd give anything to be able to see you again. One last laugh, one last talk, one last warm embrace. I say that, everyone who's lost someone says that. But you never want it to be just 'one last'. We all want more. To rewind time and pause with them still here. To stay with them forever.

But you promised me. I'll see you again, you told me. You promised. You'd better believe I'll be holding you to it.

Unseen to the young woman you loved, you sit watching, a stream of tears falling from your eyes. Her pain rubs off onto you, and you feel her hurt as keenly as if it were your own. But through the sadness, you laugh as she embarks on another rant about the superpower you waited for all your life. Yes, I've always wanted a superpower. You reply, another pinprick piercing your heart lightly when you realise she won't hear you. But now that I have one, know I'd give anything to be rid of it. To be with you again. Really with you.

You step forward, closing the space between the two of you with a few short strides. You want to put your arms around her, but she won't feel it if you do. She doesn't even know you're here. Not for certain. Keep believing. I'm just lost, hiding, just like you said. Only out of place. Trust I'll always be here, watching over you. You always said you wanted a guardian angel. You've got one now. So hold on to that promise I made you. Because you know I never break them. You'll see me again. 

Dead To Me

Alex,
You've been in my life for as long as I remember. I don't remember a time without you. You were always there, happy to help or give advice. You laughed, you loved and you shared with me. I've never known life without you in it. I can look back and see a thousand happy memories in the life of you and me. But now, I look back and tears start raining from my eyes.

Now, suddenly, somehow, everything is different. You're different. Once, I would have said I knew you almost as well as I knew myself. But as it turns out, I didn't know anything at all. I don't know if I ever knew you to begin with. I have no idea whether the person I've known for the past twenty years ever existed at all.

I can't take this. One of the few people in my life that I could always count on through thick and thin, vanished into thin air. You're still there, but I don't know this new person claiming to be you. This new person couldn't be further from the you I've known and loved all this time. There's this impostor posing as you. It's like you're possessed. Like some awful monster's taken you over. I hope you're in there somewhere, fighting to be set free. But I don't know if you are. I don't know where you are or if you're ever coming back.

I've tried to write you a thousand times, but the tears always take over. I can't finish. I can't bring myself to do what I know I have to. I don't want to let you go. Really, you took the choice with you when you vanished. I've just been pressing my hands to my ears, screaming. Refusing to hear the truth. I need you to be dead. It would be easier that way. So that's what I'm telling myself. That you're dead. Because you're dead to me now. I don't actually wish you were dead. What kind of person would I be then? But it's easier this way. Because you might not be dead, but the person that I knew is gone. I don't know if you're ever coming back. So, you're dead to me.

I hope there's some miracle someday and you'll be resurrected. But I can't just sit and wait for you forever. The very thought of facing this shadow of you leaves me shaking like a leaf. I haven't seen you since you disappeared. It's better this way. This way, I can remember the you I know and love, without my Alex being tainted by this new shadow of you. As it is, your shadow is lashing out, etching scratches in my skin. Only time will tell if the wounds will fade to scars and heal. All I've ever done is love you. But you aren't you anymore.You're dead. Dead to me. 

So know that I still love you and that I miss you more than you know. I know you're lost right now and it breaks me heart that I don't know where to find you or how to lead you back home. It's all too hard and I can't take it anymore. So I need to pretend that you're dead. Dead to me.

If you do find your way back home, know that I will be over the moon to have you back again. The Alex I know and love, back in my life. Everything right in the world again. I'm happy to forgive you. Because I know that you're not you right now. I hope I'll see you again one day. I hope you'll come back to me. The you I know and love.

But until then, I need to pretend that you're dead. Dead to me. I hope that one day, when you're not lost anymore, you'll understand. That for now, while the monster has taken you over, you're dead to me. It's the way it has to be. It's easier this way. But Alex, I love you. I miss you. Please come back. Please come home.

Sam