Love & Loss

 “So, y’all know that I do these videos, but did I ever tell you why?” Devi paused as if to allow room for a response. Except really, this being video and all, the question was kind of rhetorical. But, she figured, maybe it would still give whoever was watching a chance to answer for themselves. “I mean, it did start with COVID when I couldn't actually see any of you in person but there was still things I wanted to say and wanted you to know. The thing is though, that the kinds of things on my mind are usually pretty personal and vulnerable so saying them to a video, plus being able to have as many takes as I need…” Devi chuckled to herself at memories of such occasions, recording and re-recording over and over again until she was happy.  

 

“… But it's not just that. I've had a fair bit of loss the last few years. Like many. Something I’ve learned is that loss can be like an uninvited ice cold splash of water to the face- it's a shock, and it also kinda wakes you up a bit. Some of my losses made me wonder, if someone’s send off from this life is the people they loved and had connections with saying all the things they loved about them, why don't we say that in life, when the person can actually hear it and feel it?” Devi stopped and tried her best to swallow around a rock hard lump in her throat. “Why do we wait? I don't wanna wait anymore. That's where these videos started, and yes, it has been a little too confronting for some, who've turned around and in ways attacked me for who I am and these lovely qualities that make me, me.” 

 

Devi stopped again. She wanted to say the thing that everyone says in an attempt at comfort when a relationship breaks up or ends because the other person walked away; that it was their loss. She knew that to be true, but it didn't feel to her like just their loss. She'd been drawn to these people for a reason, She'd loved and connected with them for a reason. Yes, that had now been clouded by their final actions and the way things had ended in those friendships, but those reasons still existed. But really, even though she'd lost too, the absence of her in their lives was a loss.

 

“But anyway,” Devi continued her video recording. “Those losses I’ve had taught me the importance of love, and so I wanted to explain where I'm coming from, so that you know, and hopefully so that you can understand why I do these videos.” She paused to take a breath, making sure she was looking directly at the camera. “I don't want you to have any doubt about how I feel. I want you to remember but you are loved, because I know what it's like to not feel like you’re valued, or even wanted. It's horrible and not something that I want anyone else to experience if I can help it at all. Also, contrary to what some might think, love is not something that is finite. I mean this in the sense that there's not necessarily a limited quantity to go around. Spreading love, like spreading joy costs nothing, so I'm going to do it until my last breath. Because life is pointless without them." Devi smiled. "Thank you, Lewis, for helping me find the words to express and explain this." She referred not to a friend, but to the talented Scottish singer-songwriter she'd grown fond of, particularly for his ability to articulate his experiences and perspective through music.  "Y'all I'm taking 'treat others how you want to be treated' to a whole new level.”     

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This story continues the story of Devi, 'Devi's Diaries' which started here. 

Special shout out to the amazing Lewis Capaldi, who's sharing of the meaning behind his song Pointless helped inspire this story. 

Chasing The Light

 It had been so long since she'd seen light that when she came across it again, it was like she was discovering it for the very first time. Her small, restricted space was dark, almost pitch black. The introduction of a little lightbulb was fascinating. Even more so when it started to glow. She wanted so much to hold it and protect the warmth that emanated from the bulb, but it was more than warm to the touch.

 

Slow and careful, she inspected the light from each angle. her gaze locked on it she watched transfixed as it started to rise up and out of her space. She rose after it, finding that with help, she too could be lifted from the dark place she’d been trapped in. She stood, steady and cautious, like a bird testing it’s wings for flight. Then, she jumped back down and held the walls that had confined her, realising there was another escape between them. She tested the possibility, like an innocent preparing for a jailbreak and found that yes, she could leave that way too.

 

Slow and sure, she stepped out of the confines she’d thought herself trapped in. A little way out, she leapt for joy at the feeling of freedom and space. The light guided her all the while. She ran and reached for it again, managing to grasp the rope to which it was attached. Joyously, defiantly, she allowed the light to fly and dance around her.

 

She turned in dizzying circles at the return of the restrictive space she’d once been in. Where had the light disappeared to when she’d lost her hold? But this time, the space didn’t seem so scary or confining. Letting out a breath she allowed herself to revel in the space and her newfound knowledge that she was free to leave it whenever she wanted. This small space with her’s, in which to be and she could use it as a platform from which to not just fly, but soar.

 

She tilted her head back, basking in the feeling of wind rushing past her. Only then did the lightbulb, with its glowing light, appear once more. And only now when she finally able to take it in her hands. As she held it and felt its warmth radiating through her fingertips, she realised the light was within her. It shone to fuel her movements and guide her way forward. only then, comforted and safe in that knowledge, holding tight to the light bulb itself could she blow out the light it held.

All About ME

 He waved an unimpressed hand in the direction of his young assistant, her phone in hand as she tried to snap as many pictures as she could. “I get that sort of thing everywhere I go. All I really wanted was a little escape.” He sighed, exasperated. “How far must one go for a little bit of private peace and quiet!?”

 

The young blonde was doing an excellent job of pretending her boss was not getting to her, but little did he realise his comments were starting to crawl under her skin. Are you really looking for peace and quiet, or are you jealous the attention is not 100% on you for a second? She retorted silently to herself before refocusing her attention on the sight in front of her and her mission to capture it on film.

 

“It’s all about you, isn’t it?” she uttered under her breath. But she was close enough that her boss heard her.

“Why yes,” he said, matter of fact as he turned to glance at his assistant. Beside him, she was fighting not to turn red. Did I just say that out loud?

“Yes it is. I’m glad you can see that.” Her boss went on. “And you know, Melanie, that might be perfect for my next project.”

“Huh?”

“I can see it now!” He shot up to stand on his feet, throwing his arms out wide and sending the chair he’d been sitting in flying backwards in the process. He waved his arms around in the air as he said “’All About ME’”, as if envisioning it on a theatre’s signboard. “It’s perfect. All About ME. Martin East. Melanie, you’re a GENIUS!” His stunned assistant froze as he grabbed her by the shoulders. “I could kiss you.” He stopped suddenly, releasing her just as quickly. “But I won’t.”

 

Snapping out of her daze, his assistant scrambled to set his chair upright again. “There you are, Mr. East.”

He sat down absentmindedly without a word of thanks, once again absorbed and lost in his own world.

She turned away to find the sight she’d been trying to capture, a flock of seagulls gathered nearby, had disappeared. “Oh.” She sighed in barely a whisper. Closing her eyes, she recreated the scene in her mind’s eye and breathed a sigh of contentment.   

Maybe This Is How It Feels

The hairs on my arms stand on and when it comes into view, and my breath catches somewhere in my throat. I’ve been waiting for this for so long, looking forward to it, and now, I’m finally here. A breeze hits me as I walk through the gates. The wind washing over me carries more than just cool relief from the warm sunny day. There’s also an air of…. something. Some kind of feeling I can’t quite put my finger on the name of, but a feeling unlike anything I’ve ever felt or experienced before. 

I close my eyes, trying to take it all in one bit at a time. To savour and relish in it. I can’t quite believe it. It feels so surreal. Like I’m existing in some kind of waking dream in place of reality. Like I’ve died and gone to heaven. It’s like… ecstasy. The feeling, not the drug. I haven’t ever experienced the drug, and I don’t plan to. But I imagine this is how it might feel. Maybe they named the drug after the feeling. This feeling. 

Not one of the many people around has said anything to me, exactly. Not explicitly. But there's this understanding. This inherent knowing, that it's ok. That I'm ok. Because everyone is ok. Around me, everyone is just themselves. Without explanation, without justification, without apology. Because there's no need for any of that. Just as it should be. I can't help sighing. I wish it could always be like this. Just for today, how it is. 

Maybe that's what it is, this feeling. I didn't notice it until it was gone, because it's always been there, my whole life. This huge weight. Like I have to fit into a mould there's no way I possibly can do without contorting myself like a circus performer. Like I have to wear a suffocating mask 24/7, straining for air. But suddenly, all of that huge weight is gone. 

Maybe this is how it feels to breathe without restriction. To move without restraint. Maybe this is how it feels to not be carrying weight of pressure and stress to conform around all the time. Maybe this is how it feels when you are allowed to really, truly just be. Maybe this is how it feels to be free. 

Being Human

 I walk through the world on tiptoe, trying to dodge the invisible landmines people think I'm crazy for believing are there. But they are. It only takes stepping on one to cause you to shift into high alert. And I've done it more than once. Having been so careful for so long, longer than I care to remember, I start to relax. But prematurely, it would seem, because then I manage to stumble on to another landmine that results in an explosion. 

In the wake of the explosion, other people stare back at me, as if to say "well, what did you expect?" As if I should have seen it coming. With the amount of explosions I've been through, you'd think I would have learnt to see it coming by now. But I never do see it coming. It always takes me by surprise. Because the thing that other people don't understand is, I'm not like them, and no matter how hard I try, I never will be. I am my own kind of human. One that struggles to understand the other humans I coexist with in the world. The other humans seem to operate by a separate manual they haven't given me a copy of. 

There are warnings of the explosion, they tell me. There are signs alerting to the presence of a landmine nearby. But not any that I see. Not any that I hear. For me, it always seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe these elusive 'warnings' are in a whole other language that I don't speak, and that's why I don't understand. I don't know. There's a lot that I don't know. 

What I do know is that I'm my own kind of human. But being my own kind of human... being human full stop, is tiring. It's too tiring, and it's too hard for me to be. I wish I could be their kind of human, who speaks the language, who knows how to avoid the landmines and who understands. I've tried. I do try. But it's so hard. Being human is too tiring and hard. But what other choice do I have?