Just out of the corner of my eye, I could see her. Almost. She's there, but she's also not. Like some kind of mirage. Or a trick my mind is playing on me. I don't like to admit it, but I know that really, that's what it is. She's not around anymore. Whenever I think I see her, she's a translucent ghost. Whenever I think I hear her, it's a faint whisper on the wind. I reach out, wanting to grab her before she can disappear. But my hand hits nothing more than thin air. Because she was never there. Well, not anytime recently anyway.
It really wasn't all that long ago that she had been there. Then, without warning, she'd gone without warning. She disappeared, but not without a trace. Because I'm still here. Left behind. Left alone. I crumple to my knees on the ground, my heart squeezed to within an inch of itself and shattered as if it were a precious ornament she carelessly dropped on her way out. The searing pain makes me want to cry out, but what's the use? The howling of the trees would only drown it out, and there's no one else around to hear me anyway.
A figure lurking in the shadows. A distant echo. No matter what form it takes, her ghost still haunts me. Because she's gone, but she's not. No, because she is, arguably, the worst kind of ghost. Her ghost is the kind born from a different kind of leaving life. Not leaving life all together. No, just me. She chose to leave my life, and in so doing, became something of a personal ghost instead.
Somewhere, she's still out there. Still breathing. Heart beating. Living a life. Sometimes, I wonder what she's doing, where she is, how she is. Sometimes, I wish she wasn't a ghost. That she was still around and in my life. Having a ghost isn't always the greatest. Especially her kind of ghost. The wondering and the wishing can be piercingly painful. Like my heart is getting squeezed and shattered all over again.
But other times, her ghost isn't so bad. When her ghost is haloed by the sunlight beaming down, more than just her ghost is illuminated. Happy memories of good times shared together, lessons she taught me that I carry with me still. In the shadows, her ghost haunts me, but when her ghost steps out into the light, I remember.
