I shake my head at what I'm hearing. I certainly understand why., but... If I'm honest, I've probably been there too, but.. I shake my head again, blinking as I look around me. I feel so sorry that such awful things had to happen to such wonderful, non-deserving people and I can't help but wish, and to wonder why I wasn't there earlier. Why couldn't I have been there to show them someone was still there? Why couldn't I have just been there, full stop?
I shake my head as I try to rid my mind of the onslaught of thoughts. This shouldn't be about me, but the thoughts keep rushing. They're screaming, demanding to be heard. As if it had actually happened, like they'd gone through with it, all the thoughts seem to be why. Why didn't I know them earlier? Why couldn't I have been there to show them they weren't alone? Why couldn't I have done something? Anything, to help?
As the conversation continues to flow in the room, I slowly come back from my own world of thoughts and sit quietly listening as my mind finally comes to a conclusion of sorts. "Can I... Can I just say something?" I ask after a while of silence. My voice is almost a whisper with the shock of the earlier confessions as everyone turns to look at me. "I.. I'm glad you're still here."
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If you're having a hard time, or you're worried about a friend or family member, help is available. You can go to headspace.org.au or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
I'm Still Breathing
"M.. Mum?" she asks weakly, looking around as her eyes flutter open.
"Maisy?" her mother says in a whisper, a few tears rolling down from her eyes as she slips into the chair beside the bed and clasps her daughter's hands, squeezing tightly.
"Mum, where am I?"
"There was a bit of a complication with the operation Sweetie."
"Complication?" Maisy repeats. "What sort of complication?"
"You lost a lot of blood," says her mother quietly. "We could have lost you Maisy."
"Oh," says Maisy. "I'm still here though."
"Yeah, you're are. We're only lucky the doctors could figure it out in time and fixed it. You're still here, with us."
"Mum, I'm sorry," says Maisy suddenly, tears falling from her own eyes.
"What for?" her mother asks, reaching for her daughter's hand. "Maisy, you haven't got anything to be sorry for."
"Everything," Maisy says, so quietly it's barely audible. "I'm sorry for everything I ever did. And Mum, I love you."
"I love you too Maisy," says her mother, crying too. "I never thought I was going to get to say that again. But what's this all of a sudden? You never used to say those sorts of things before."
"Exactly that," Maisy says simply.
"What?"
"What did you just say Mum?"
"What?"
Maisy shook her head. "Try again."
"Ok... Um, I never thought I was going to get to say that again?"
Maisy simply nods. "I'm still breathing Mum. I've been given a second chance. I took life for granted before, but I know how precious it is now. I've been given a second chance at it, and I promise you, I'm not going to waste it this time."
"Maisy, honey, you weren't wasting it before.."
"But I wasn't really living either, just existing," Maisy says, holding her mother's gaze. "This time, I'm going to really live."
"That's good honey," her mother says uncertainly.
"I've got a second chance," says Maisy, blinking as the reality sinks in. "I'm still breathing."
"Maisy?" her mother says in a whisper, a few tears rolling down from her eyes as she slips into the chair beside the bed and clasps her daughter's hands, squeezing tightly.
"Mum, where am I?"
"There was a bit of a complication with the operation Sweetie."
"Complication?" Maisy repeats. "What sort of complication?"
"You lost a lot of blood," says her mother quietly. "We could have lost you Maisy."
"Oh," says Maisy. "I'm still here though."
"Yeah, you're are. We're only lucky the doctors could figure it out in time and fixed it. You're still here, with us."
"Mum, I'm sorry," says Maisy suddenly, tears falling from her own eyes.
"What for?" her mother asks, reaching for her daughter's hand. "Maisy, you haven't got anything to be sorry for."
"Everything," Maisy says, so quietly it's barely audible. "I'm sorry for everything I ever did. And Mum, I love you."
"I love you too Maisy," says her mother, crying too. "I never thought I was going to get to say that again. But what's this all of a sudden? You never used to say those sorts of things before."
"Exactly that," Maisy says simply.
"What?"
"What did you just say Mum?"
"What?"
Maisy shook her head. "Try again."
"Ok... Um, I never thought I was going to get to say that again?"
Maisy simply nods. "I'm still breathing Mum. I've been given a second chance. I took life for granted before, but I know how precious it is now. I've been given a second chance at it, and I promise you, I'm not going to waste it this time."
"Maisy, honey, you weren't wasting it before.."
"But I wasn't really living either, just existing," Maisy says, holding her mother's gaze. "This time, I'm going to really live."
"That's good honey," her mother says uncertainly.
"I've got a second chance," says Maisy, blinking as the reality sinks in. "I'm still breathing."
Monday, August 11, 2014
Surprise!
Her eyes didn't stray from the screen once since the play button had been hit and the movie had begun. The face that filled the screen had the young girl hooked. She laughed uncontrollably at his funny faces and even the slightest hint of his comic prowess caused a smile to escape her lips.
The young girl's mother watched on, smiling too, though for different reasons. She let Rae watch his films because he was funny. She didn't let her watch all of them, only the ones for kids, of course. But oh, how she wished she could tell her the truth. Reveal the secret so she didn't have to keep it all to herself like she had been for these past 10 years.
Now, at seventeen, Rae was growing increasingly curious. All her life it had been just her and her mother. She'd never questioned it too much before, but now, all her friends, and even Rae herself, were more knowledgeable, and as a result, more curious than they had been when they were kids.
"Mum," she asked one night, on the eve of her eighteenth birthday. "What ever happened to my father? Why isn't he around like everybody else's fathers?"
"He..." her mother started to say, stopping herself before she ended up saying something she might regret later. "He's not here honey. Does it really matter where he is?"
"He's my Dad, Mum," Rae said, pleading in her eyes. "I want to know who he is."
"Maybe one day you'll find out." Said her mother. "Now, off to bed. You have a big day tomorrow."
Once her she'd left the room, Rae's mother let out a sigh of relief. Her daughter was getting smarter, and, she realised, she just couldn't hide it from her any longer. Taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone and dialed.
"Hello," she said once someone picked up, not missing a beat. "I need to speak with Adrian,"
"Doesn't everybody?" asked the man on the other end of the phone in a sarcastic tone of voice.
"You don't understand," she said, trying hard to keep a grip on her patience as it began to squirm in an attempt to get away. "My name is Gina. Gina White. I'm not sure that he'll remember me, but he knew me once, years ago. Please! I need to talk to him. It's important."
"Alright lady, alright. I'll see," said the man, reluctantly. "But I'm not making any promises."
"Fine," said Gina as the line went dead and she waited.
"He-lo," answered no one other than Adrian M. McLaurin a moment later in one of his trademark comical voices. Gina couldn't help but laugh as a wave of memories, good memories, from her time with him came flooding back.
"Adrian," she said once she'd regained a little composure. "Hello."
"What can I do for a lovely fan like yourself?" he asked.
"Adrian..." she stopped, realising what he'd said. "Adrian, I'm a fan, of course, but... do you remember me?"
"Remember you?" He asked. "Where would I remember you from?"
"Oh, around eighteen years ago," she said, trying to sound casual. When he said nothing, Gina went on. "The summer of about... 1996, you and I had a little fling."
"We did, did we?" he asked. "So, to what do I owe this lovely reminiscent little trip down memory lane?"
"Adrian, there's something I'm going to tell you, that I should have done years ago."
"Yes?" he asked, sitting down as he waited.
"Adrian you have a daughter," said Gina quickly after taking a breath.
"Wow," said Adrian after a long silence. "Does... Does she know? How old is she?"
"No," Gina said. "She doesn't know. Not yet. Her name is Rae and she'll be eighteen tomorrow. But Adrian, I'd like to ask a favour if I may."
"What is it?" Adrian asked, scooting to the edge of his seat. "Money?"
"No, nothing like that. Will.. Will you come to see her tomorrow? For her birthday? It'd be a dream come true for her."
"She doesn't know though, does she?"
"No, but she's grown up watching your films Adrian," Gina said. "You've made her laugh more times than I can count. She's watched your films over and over..."
"Alright," he said, letting out a heavy breath as if it were the most difficult task in the world to agree. "Always happy to oblige a fan."
Rae blinked at the sight before her, then started to shake her head. "A... Adrian?" she stuttered out. "Adrian M. McLaurin?"
He nodded, smiling at the happiness his simple presence had caused his daughter, even without her knowing the truth.
"Wow! I... I don't believe this! Mum how did you...?"
"Sweetie, you wanted to know who your Dad was.."
"Guess you'd better start calling me Dad," said Adrian, trying to relieve the tension with humour, as was often his tactic.
"Adrian M. McLaurin, the man I grew up watching on movies my entire childhood, is my father?" Rae asked, staring at her mother.
"It was my way of letting you see him without actually telling you," Gina said, her eyes falling to the floor. "Rae, you weren't old enough..."
"But he's my dad?" Rae asked, finally turning to look at him.
"Yes."
"Surprise!" said Adrian, comically throwing his hands out to the side, a big, goofy grin on his face.
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In memory of the late, great Robin Williams, whose comedy is a cherished memory of my childhood and hopefully, a man who's humour will be passed down through the generations for years to come. Rest In Peace.
The young girl's mother watched on, smiling too, though for different reasons. She let Rae watch his films because he was funny. She didn't let her watch all of them, only the ones for kids, of course. But oh, how she wished she could tell her the truth. Reveal the secret so she didn't have to keep it all to herself like she had been for these past 10 years.
Now, at seventeen, Rae was growing increasingly curious. All her life it had been just her and her mother. She'd never questioned it too much before, but now, all her friends, and even Rae herself, were more knowledgeable, and as a result, more curious than they had been when they were kids.
"Mum," she asked one night, on the eve of her eighteenth birthday. "What ever happened to my father? Why isn't he around like everybody else's fathers?"
"He..." her mother started to say, stopping herself before she ended up saying something she might regret later. "He's not here honey. Does it really matter where he is?"
"He's my Dad, Mum," Rae said, pleading in her eyes. "I want to know who he is."
"Maybe one day you'll find out." Said her mother. "Now, off to bed. You have a big day tomorrow."
Once her she'd left the room, Rae's mother let out a sigh of relief. Her daughter was getting smarter, and, she realised, she just couldn't hide it from her any longer. Taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone and dialed.
"Hello," she said once someone picked up, not missing a beat. "I need to speak with Adrian,"
"Doesn't everybody?" asked the man on the other end of the phone in a sarcastic tone of voice.
"You don't understand," she said, trying hard to keep a grip on her patience as it began to squirm in an attempt to get away. "My name is Gina. Gina White. I'm not sure that he'll remember me, but he knew me once, years ago. Please! I need to talk to him. It's important."
"Alright lady, alright. I'll see," said the man, reluctantly. "But I'm not making any promises."
"Fine," said Gina as the line went dead and she waited.
"He-lo," answered no one other than Adrian M. McLaurin a moment later in one of his trademark comical voices. Gina couldn't help but laugh as a wave of memories, good memories, from her time with him came flooding back.
"Adrian," she said once she'd regained a little composure. "Hello."
"What can I do for a lovely fan like yourself?" he asked.
"Adrian..." she stopped, realising what he'd said. "Adrian, I'm a fan, of course, but... do you remember me?"
"Remember you?" He asked. "Where would I remember you from?"
"Oh, around eighteen years ago," she said, trying to sound casual. When he said nothing, Gina went on. "The summer of about... 1996, you and I had a little fling."
"We did, did we?" he asked. "So, to what do I owe this lovely reminiscent little trip down memory lane?"
"Adrian, there's something I'm going to tell you, that I should have done years ago."
"Yes?" he asked, sitting down as he waited.
"Adrian you have a daughter," said Gina quickly after taking a breath.
"Wow," said Adrian after a long silence. "Does... Does she know? How old is she?"
"No," Gina said. "She doesn't know. Not yet. Her name is Rae and she'll be eighteen tomorrow. But Adrian, I'd like to ask a favour if I may."
"What is it?" Adrian asked, scooting to the edge of his seat. "Money?"
"No, nothing like that. Will.. Will you come to see her tomorrow? For her birthday? It'd be a dream come true for her."
"She doesn't know though, does she?"
"No, but she's grown up watching your films Adrian," Gina said. "You've made her laugh more times than I can count. She's watched your films over and over..."
"Alright," he said, letting out a heavy breath as if it were the most difficult task in the world to agree. "Always happy to oblige a fan."
Rae blinked at the sight before her, then started to shake her head. "A... Adrian?" she stuttered out. "Adrian M. McLaurin?"
He nodded, smiling at the happiness his simple presence had caused his daughter, even without her knowing the truth.
"Wow! I... I don't believe this! Mum how did you...?"
"Sweetie, you wanted to know who your Dad was.."
"Guess you'd better start calling me Dad," said Adrian, trying to relieve the tension with humour, as was often his tactic.
"Adrian M. McLaurin, the man I grew up watching on movies my entire childhood, is my father?" Rae asked, staring at her mother.
"It was my way of letting you see him without actually telling you," Gina said, her eyes falling to the floor. "Rae, you weren't old enough..."
"But he's my dad?" Rae asked, finally turning to look at him.
"Yes."
"Surprise!" said Adrian, comically throwing his hands out to the side, a big, goofy grin on his face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In memory of the late, great Robin Williams, whose comedy is a cherished memory of my childhood and hopefully, a man who's humour will be passed down through the generations for years to come. Rest In Peace.
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