Thinking Of You

A sad expression was on her face as she approached the front door. Quickly, she tried to cover it with a mask of happiness before knocking. 

"Katie," he said, the smile spreading quickly across his lips at the sight of her. "It's great to see you, come on in." She followed him inside and to the lounge room, where they sit beside one another on the plush cushions.  

Unable to keep up the charade any longer, and without warning, she burst into tears, falling into his side. Gently, he wrapped his arms around her, concern flooding his face. "Katie, what's wrong? Katie? Beautiful?" 

"Oh George," she managed to say through her tears. "I'm so sorry." 

"Whatever for darling?" he asked, lifting her chin with a finger, meeting her eyes. "I'd like to stay." 

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise you." 

"I love you," she said, crying again. "I love you." 

"I love you too," said George slowly. 

"George, they're forcing me to marry someone else." She said, finally allowing her timid eyes to meet his kind ones. 

"Oh Katie," he said, tightening his grip on her as she continued to cry. He could just about feel his own heart being tugged forcefully from his chest and crushed into a thousand pieces. 

"George, say I won't lose you, please." she said, begging desperately with her eyes. 

"I won't ever let you go Katie," he said solemnly, a tear trickling down his own cheek now. "You have my word."

I won't ever let you go, he'd said, and that had been the last thing he had wanted, but she'd been forced from him instead. They'd known each other for so long, and it wasn't all that long ago that he'd discovered his real feelings for her went beyond just simple friendship. He'd been going to propose next week.... 

"Stop crying girl," her mother snapped angrilly. "This should be the happiest day of your life." 

"It might have a chance of being that way, if you weren't forcing me to marry someone I don't even know!" 

"He is a good man," said her mother firmly. "Your father picked him out for you. Do you not trust your father?" 

Katie said nothing, knowing she'd get in deeper trouble if she was honest, but she couldn't bring herself to lie either. "Maybe if you'd picked George..." she said so quietly it was barely audible, even to her. 

Katie wore a mask of happiness as she went back down the aisle with her newly wed husband. The last person among their guests that she came across was George. He gave her a sad smile as they held hands for a moment. He squeezed it tight, fighting a battle with the tears desperate to turn his cheeks into a waterfall. 'You're the one I love,' she mouthed giving his hand one final, tight squeeze before letting it drop and her stranger husband lead her away. 

"I love you too, my darling," he whispered, allowing his gaze to follow her receding shadow. "One day, I vow to you, whether it be this life or the next, we will be together."

Recurring Dream

I pause, the need for breath now overtaking the need to run with my pack. Panting with exhaustion from the speed of our route through the forest, I look up at the sky. I close my eyes a brief moment, remembering a time only a few months earlier when I had felt completely lost. I hadn't remembered anything, fear and uncertainty running through me.

Eventually, it had become clear. My pack, ever loyal, had tracked me down and taken me in as one of their own once more. I soon discovered that I'd been missing, they'd lost track of exactly how long I'd been gone. A long time was all they could tell me. My first memory, waking up in that forest, was the first time they'd sensed me since I disappeared.

My pack tell me that you don't remember anything when you switch. My first memory, they tell me, even though I'm human in this memory, is when I first started to change back.

Her light brown, wavy, glossy hair flies gently as the wind coming in through the open window sets it afloat. She turns around, smiling at the sight of me. Her plump, naturally pink lips turn up further at the corners, her chocolate eyes sparkling as the sun hits them. Her whole face with it's pale, milky complexion is aglow.

I let out an involuntary shiver as the image in my mind disappears, chilling me to the bone. Beside me, a member of my pack cocks his head to the side, are you ok? I shrug my shoulders, and his eyes widen in warning. We need to run again. If your heart rate gets too low, you change, and it was excruciating enough the first time around, let alone doing it all over again.

As we gain speed, my heart starts to race again, until it is hammering in my chest. My breathing
 is heavy, yet steady and I begin to pant. The last thing I hear is a loud howl before everything disappears, yet I can still feel my paws hit the ground.

"Barney," she whispers as she approaches, her smile somewhat seductive. I feel myself tense as she reaches out, lightly brushing her fingertips along my forearm, and a pleasent shiver runs right through me. "Barney," she says again and I close my eyes at her caress.
"Rose,"

When my vision returns to me, I vigurously shake my head and begin to run again. This time, my pack is nowhere near me. But I just keep running aimlessly, as my thoughts consume most of my mind. That voice... her voice... it sounds strangely familiar, and I wonder whether I've heard it before. I wonder where it comes from. Who she is.

I've lost track of how long I've been running for. But I know this. I am lost from my pack. I am lone now. I reach a mountain top and take a moment to regain breath. Looking up toward the sun in the sky, I howl.
"Barney," comes the voice again, a whisper in the wind. I shiver. That voice.. Why is it so familiar?

She wraps her arms around me, and I squeeze her tight, kissing the side of her neck. "Rose," I say, throwing my head back and closing my eyes.
"Barney," she echoes.

Suddenly, the image is in my head. Her face. Her dark, sparkling eyes, her soft lips, her pale, smooth skin. The next thing I know, I am running. I don't know where. I know only that my feet are carrying me as fast as they can. I focus on steadying my breath. My body must know something that my mind does not.

There she is, running. She crashes into me then pulls away. She is frightened. Until she meets my eyes. Then, she knows somehow. "Barney," she whispers, wrapping her arms around my furry neck and folding into me. Her voice. That voice. It's her.

I am stationary, but my heart is running fast ahead of me. Unable to speak in my wolf form, I settle for simply nuzzling her cheek with my wet nose. I feel her smile and I know somehow that this is really where I belong.
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Sequel to 'The  Silent Haunt'

The Silent Haunt

There is a cool breeze blowing through the emerald leaves around me, and the lake before me is like ice to the touch.I can't help but shiver in my blindingly green, yet blue feeling surroundings. The sky above me is a cloudless blue and the sun appears to beat down on the earth, though I don't feel it. This is all I know. I don't remember anything before this. To the past, my mind is a blank. Given my surroundings, that scares me.

It would appear that civilisation is nowhere near, for as far as I can see, there is only green. The sole break in that endless green is the lake before me. I wonder how long the lake is, for it stretches out in front of me as far as my eye can see.

I just about jump out of my skin when I look down at myself. Not believing my eyes, I take another look, only to have the same sight as before greet me. That is all there is. Skin. I am unclothed, and though sight confirms this simple fact, I struggle to accept it. This is not me. I would never leave a room unclothed, let alone go out in public in this manner, which begs the question, where are my clothes? Why am I not wearing any clothes?

I stop dead at the sound, and feel my eyes grow wider as it comes again. I can only remember a few minutes, fifteen at most, before it is all blank, and in that time there has been nothing but complete and utter silence. Just when I start to think that maybe things will return to what seems to be normal now, the noise comes again, and the sound sends a chill down my spine, though I'm unsure quite why. It is the sound of wolves, howling.

The howls sound distant, and I imagine the wolves up high on a hill somewhere, for the sound of their cries seems to echo a few times over after the noise initially hits my ears. A few minutes later, I hear the howls again, only louder this time. The wolves are closer, and I feel myself tense.

Every few minutes, the cycle repeats itself. With each repeat of the cycle, the howls become louder as the wolves grow closer. As the proximity between myself and those wolves lessens, I switch to autopilot. My body takes over completely, and before I'm aware of what I' doing, I'm running. As fast as my feet will carry me, I run, not to any particular destination, just... away.

My heart is beating so fast it feels as if it is making an attempt at escape from my rib cage. The loud sound of my bare feet thudding against the leaf strewn ground fills my ears, and I wonder whether it is my footfalls alone that I hear, or that of the wolves as well. I can still hear their howls, and though I know they are gaining on me, the sound seems distant.

It was bound to happen at one point or another, but I suddenly stop, falling into a squatting position as I rest my hands on my knees, desperately trying to claim my breath as my own once more. The wolves are just behind me now, and my breath, though more controlled, is as fast as my racing heart. I feel everything within me tense as the wolves, too many to count in my state, circle me. But they do nothing to me, simply surrounding me.

I drop onto my knees on the forest floor as an excruciating pain hits me. I am screaming as my blood is taken over by a burning wild fire that courses through me in it's place. All at once, though I don't remember anything past an hour ago, everything becomes clear. My unmodest dress, or lack thereof, my completely blank mind, the wolves chasing me as if on a hunt with me as their prey, yet not harming me at all. I understand now. I am one of them. I am wolf.

Dance With Me

It was one of the few times in her life that Lea had felt pretty, yet she sat on the sidelines and watched as other girls danced with their partners. No one had asked her to dance.Not yet, and that's what she was hanging onto. Clinging to. No one had asked her to dance, yet. There was still time. It wasn't over yet. Her eyes wandered as she tried not to look at the dancefloor, and the many people on it, having a great time.

Little did Lea notice the slender, blonde haired man approaching. Slowly, she looked over to see his hand extended toward her. Her eyes wandered from his hand up his arm and finally to his smiling face. Recognising who it was, the crush she'd had ever since her first year at high school, and one of the popular kids, she looked away quickly. But still, he took her hand in his and pulled her up. As he did so, she could feel her heart begin to race in her chest and tried hard not to let it show.

Out on the floor, she tried spinning into him, though it just ended with her crashing into him. His smile ever present, he smiled as he took her hands and led the way. Lea couldn't help but smile as she allowed her head to fall onto his shoulder, looking out at the other couples. At first she saw them, but then it was as if they were the only two on the floor.

The most magical moment was when he lifted her up, holding her firmly but gently by the waist as they gazed into one another's eyes, like something out of a movie. It only lasted a few seconds before Lea found her feet once again touching the ground, but for her it was enough. Because for her, it had felt like an eternity.

They danced some more before he dipped her low, and they had another of those eye lock moments. The smile on Lea's face now could not possibly get any wider, and suddenly, she didn't care what the others thought as they straightened again and she hugged him tight, kissing him just as the balloons fell from the ceiling.

Man I Once Knew

My eyes snap open, and I rise quickly from the warm bed sheets that cover me. My breath is swift and heavy as I look around me, squinting as my eyes adjust to the darkness. It takes a moment to calm myself. For a few minutes, I'm not convinced that the haunting nightmare from which I'd just awoken was just that. A nightmare.

Months earlier, everything had been different to how it was now. The change had occurred quickly and I could remember that night as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. That night, Nick hadn't been him. That was the only explanation I could fathom. Nick had never been a big drinker, and that night he'd had more than usual. All I can say is that the alcohol in his system changed him. The unexpected, sudden change in his demeanour scared me deeply, and I was chilled to my core. Thinking on my feet, I waited until he had passed out before I packed a bag and left.

The next morning, he called me. My hand hovered for a moment over the phone, as I debated whether or not to answer the call.
"Callie, Thank God!" he said when I picked up the phone and answered, having decided to give him at least a chance. "Where are you? I've been so worried!"
"You don't remember?" I asked in place of answering his question.
"Don't remember..." he said, and laughs a little. My heart swelled at hearing that lovely laugh. "Well, I guess that answers your question, doesn't it?"
"Nick, I... You... You came home drunk last night." As I spoke, I could feel my voice trembling, and it only got worse as I went on. Though he was silent, I could sense Nick crying on the other end of the phone, and suddenly I remember the cause. "I'm sorry Callie. I'm so sorry. I.. The last thing I ever want is to hurt you. I don't want to be like my father. I'm not my father."
"Ok," I said, not really convinced. "You didn't lay a hand on me if that makes you feel any better. The house copped it instead," I said before I was aware of the words escaping his lips.
"Oh, good."
"But it scared me to death," I said after working up the courage to speak. "That's whiy I left."

"Callie, there's something else," he said after a while.
"What?" I ask quietly. After seeing him that night, I couldn't really think of what else there could be.
"There's someone else," he answered and I gulped heavily.
"What?" I asked again, not wanting to believe it. "How long?" I asked, before realising Nick is no longer on the other end of the phone.

I put the phone down and walk away, toward the window of the motel I'd checked into the night before. I stared out the window, not really seeing a thing as I allowed the tears to escape and roll slowly down my cheeks. I hated walking away when I was still in love with him, but that's exactly what I was doing.

That night has replayed over and over at night, a recurring dream that reminds me what the true meaning of fear really is. When I wake, I feel as if I've dodged that same bullet over again, and I sit a moment, breathing hard as I remember that my safety is intact.

I meet with Nick again a while after it all happened, in search of some answers. He tells me that the someone else he'd told me about had been around for a few months. He'd loved us both, he says, and wanted to see if he could keep us both. I think he knows, from my expression after his admission that he has just blown his chance. I take solace when he tells me of his plans for the future. He's going to a facility to make sure he isn't a repeat of his alcoholic father. I smile and wish him well before we go our sepearte ways, for good this time. That last meeting with him was all I needed. It was the closure, and the cure of those recurring nightmares. I smile in the knowledge that he recognises what could be, and is seeking help before it reaches that point, and I am hopeful that the Nick I knew and loved could soon return.
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If you are worried about yourself, or someone else, please give Lifeline a call on 13 11 14. They can help.

Still Exists

As a little girl, I always loved the fairytales and the stories of everlasting love. I loved the idea of one day finding my own Prince Charming or, the one as they're called as you get older and living my own happily ever after. I used to think that was possible, but now that I've witnessed all I have of love in the real world, I doubt it a little. There are people in other countries denied the chance at love and instead told they'll be spending the rest of their life with someone they barely know. Others have opened their heart so many times only to have it shatter into a thousand pieces left for them to mend. While I still like the idea of love, with all that I've seen, I have become rather wary of it. 

"Rachael," my mother smiled at me. "If you want love, you have to be willing to open your heart up to people." 

"But... there's all that you've been through," I said and Mum leaned forward, lightly brushing her fingertips against my arm. "That's me Rach," she said. "I've had a bit of rough luck, sure. But you can't let that stop you." 

"It killed me to watch you go through all that pain," I said and Mum's smile softens. "I can't imagine what it would have been like for you." 

At the anniversary party for my grandparents a few months later, I was the only one of their grandchildren to speak. 

"50 years is a long, long time," I started, trying my hardest to find a spot on the far wall that I could stare down rather than keep looking around at all the people. "Especially in this day and age, and it seems to me a real acheivement that they have been together this long. I've seen a lot of hardships with love, both from personal experience and my observations of others, and all of that made me doubt that love could be everlasting as they say it is in the fairytales. But Nan and Pop, you are my proof that fairytales can still exist and that, though it seems rare these days, everlasting love is possible." Everyone clapped when I was finished and I could even see my Nan and my Mum wiping the tears from their faces. I believed every word of what I said. Though I still have my small doubts about love, they've restored my faith that it can still exist. 

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For my own grandparents, who recently celebrated their own 50th wedding anniversary. Congratulations on such a big milestone!