This Little World, All Our Own

My hand sits outstretched in the space between us. I wish it was in theirs. Touched. Held close. But that's too great a risk. 

I'd like to be able to sit beside them and cuddle up tight. Lean in against them. Maybe have their head on my shoulder. Together. Closer. But that's a risk too. 

The only choice I seem to have, the  furthest I feel I can go, is to allow myself to get lost in the peridot green of their eyes, and their eyes in mine. Even that feels like a risk. But it's a risk we take. We can't take a step further. That's too much of a risk. But this, this we can do. To have no connection at all hurts too much. Even this feels painful. But we settle, because it's what we have. 

On the seat across from me, my beautiful partner sighs. I focus again on their eyes and scan them. Seeing me see them, a small smile cracks their straight lined lips. We both know. We both wish. I feel a renewed ache spread through my arm toward the arm outstretched on the seat between us and sigh in unified sympathy and sorrow.  

Stealing a glance at the driver in the front seat, my partner inhales, shaky but deep. Slowly but surely, their fingers inch their way toward mine. They settle their hand mere metres from mine. Close but not quite close enough. 

Our eyes lock on each other's again. There is a slither of comfort in our shared fantasy; a space that's just us. A world all our own. A place where we can get close without fear of judgement. Where we can be together without feeling any tension. A place where we get to be us. Really, truly us. 

My beautiful partner is this place, and I know I am theirs. Alone, together, we are there. Accompanied, together, like now, we imagine ourselves there. Always, we share and hold the daydream together. This wonderful space where there is no risk, no judgement and no tension. We also hold on to our silly little hope that one day, this will just be the world. Where anyone can be, no matter who they are, no matter who they love. People are just people, after all. And love is love. I know this, and they know this. All too well. There are many out there like us, who all know just as well as we do. But, there are others who have no idea. Those others are why my partner and I have this little world, all our own. This little world, all our own, that we can go to whenever we'd like. This little world, all our own, where we can just be. This little world, all our own, where we are free.   

One In A Million

 Taking in the sight of my beautiful, sweet friend, pale and weak in bed, I shake my head. "I was kinda afraid something like this would happen." 

"Huh?" My friend's voice emerges in a weak whisper from her lips. The only reason I can catch it is because of the otherwise pin drop quiet of the room. "What do you mean?" 

I cross the space between us to sit on the edge of her bed as she slowly shifts to a seated position. "Well, you give and give and give Maria." 

She opens her mouth to speak, but I keep going before she has the chance. 

"You can't keep giving to others unless there are others giving back to you as well." 

Tension tightens my chest as tears well in Maria's eyes. "How'd you know?" 

"You're always so selfless; reaching out, connecting, checking on everyone. But then, you kind of stopped. You withdrew into yourself." 

"I was selfish." Maria summed. 

Without so much as a split second's pause, I shake my head emphatically. "No. You are anything but selfish Maria." 

She stares at me, seeming a little lost for words. 

  "It's ok to turn the attention on yourself. It's important, and sometimes, it's needed." 

"Really?" 

"Yes. You know how I said that you can't give out to others unless others are giving out to you?" 

She nods. "Well, you were giving out to yourself. No one else was giving to you when you desperately needed it, so you turned in and you gave to yourself." 

The tears that had appeared in Maria's eyes start to fall. "No one seems to notice. No one checks in and reaches out the way I do with everyone else." 

"I know." I reach out to brush her arm with my fingers. "I'm sorry. I could've been a better friend to you. The way you are for everyone else. You deserve that, Maria. You are more deserving than anyone I know." I pause, feeling my breath start to catch on the lump forming in my throat. The lump of sobs wanting to rise, then fall along with Maria's. Determinedly, I swallow hard and take her hand in mine instead, squeezing gently. "I will." I promise her. "At least, I'll try. I'll try to be just as good a friend as you always are." Silence falls between us, my words hanging in the air. 

"Because you are not a problem to be solved, Maria, despite what you may've been told." I keep going after a few minutes, surprising even myself. But every word feels right. Like something that desperately needs to be said. That desperately needs to be heard. So I push on. "You are one of the kindest, most caring and compassionate, most beautiful souls there are out there. You are one of the most special people to exist..." I stop at the expression on her face. "And I mean that in the best way," I add, causing her to relax. "You are a diamond among coal, Maria. You are truly one in a million." 

I stop again, a little for breath, but also because I want what I say next to stand out, and to stick. "Never ever for one moment think you are anything less than an absolute gift and a blessing."    

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This story continues the Bleeding Heart collection, which starts here.