“So, y’all know that I do these videos, but did I ever tell you why?” Devi paused as if to allow room for a response. Except really, this being video and all, the question was kind of rhetorical. But, she figured, maybe it would still give whoever was watching a chance to answer for themselves. “I mean, it did start with COVID when I couldn't actually see any of you in person but there was still things I wanted to say and wanted you to know. The thing is though, that the kinds of things on my mind are usually pretty personal and vulnerable so saying them to a video, plus being able to have as many takes as I need…” Devi chuckled to herself at memories of such occasions, recording and re-recording over and over again until she was happy.
“… But
it's not just that. I've had a fair bit of loss the last few years. Like many. Something
I’ve learned is that loss can be like an uninvited ice cold splash of water to
the face- it's a shock, and it also kinda wakes you up a bit. Some of my losses
made me wonder, if someone’s send off from this life is the people they loved and
had connections with saying all the things they loved about them, why don't we
say that in life, when the person can actually hear it and feel it?” Devi
stopped and tried her best to swallow around a rock hard lump in her throat. “Why
do we wait? I don't wanna wait anymore. That's where these videos started, and
yes, it has been a little too confronting for some, who've turned around and in
ways attacked me for who I am and these lovely qualities that make me, me.”
Devi stopped
again. She wanted to say the thing that everyone says in an attempt at comfort
when a relationship breaks up or ends because the other person walked away; that
it was their loss. She knew that to be true, but it didn't feel to her like just
their loss. She'd been drawn to these people for a reason, She'd loved and
connected with them for a reason. Yes, that had now been clouded by their final
actions and the way things had ended in those friendships, but those reasons still
existed. But really, even though she'd lost too, the absence of her in their
lives was a loss.
“But anyway,” Devi continued her video recording. “Those losses I’ve had taught me the importance of love, and so I wanted to explain where I'm coming from, so that you know, and hopefully so that you can understand why I do these videos.” She paused to take a breath, making sure she was looking directly at the camera. “I don't want you to have any doubt about how I feel. I want you to remember but you are loved, because I know what it's like to not feel like you’re valued, or even wanted. It's horrible and not something that I want anyone else to experience if I can help it at all. Also, contrary to what some might think, love is not something that is finite. I mean this in the sense that there's not necessarily a limited quantity to go around. Spreading love, like spreading joy costs nothing, so I'm going to do it until my last breath. Because life is pointless without them." Devi smiled. "Thank you, Lewis, for helping me find the words to express and explain this." She referred not to a friend, but to the talented Scottish singer-songwriter she'd grown fond of, particularly for his ability to articulate his experiences and perspective through music. "Y'all I'm taking 'treat others how you want to be treated' to a whole new level.”
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This story continues the story of Devi, 'Devi's Diaries' which started here.
Special shout out to the amazing Lewis Capaldi, who's sharing of the meaning behind his song Pointless helped inspire this story.
