I can’t tear my eyes away from the screen. I am without a doubt, completely and utterly enamoured and mesmerised by the performer who stands there, centre stage. I have been since the moment they first appeared. I am in awe, not only of what they’ve done, but also what I’m seeing. Who they are. Technically a woman from what I can tell, but not the classic girly girl type. The person I see in front of me is not wearing a dress, skirt or high heels. Instead they are absolutely dominating in a power suit that perfectly matches that of their partner and a killer hairdo, shaved or tight on the sides with hair piled high on top. It’s kind of old fashioned but androgynously modern at the same time. They are strong and powerful, and I think they know it.
“What are you watching?” Comes the voice of my best friend Francis, who has just entered the room and sat down on the opposite end of the couch to me. “Luce?” Francis asks. I realise the question is rhetorical when they keep talking without giving me the chance to get so much as a single word in. “ they’re awesome!”
“Wait.” Finally I turn my eyes away from the screen to look at my friend. “You know them?”
Francis waves a hand in the air, as if trying to lessen the gravity of this possible fact. “Well I’ve met them.” Francis returns his gaze to Luce’s image, frozen on screen. “Uncle Keys has worked with them before.”
“Oh. Of course he has,” I say and laugh, trying to cover up my jealousy, but also knowing I’m most likely not doing a very good job.
“Hey! Keys likes you! I’m sure he’d set something up if we asked.” Francis shrugs. “I can’t blame you. They are pretty damn cool.”
“Right?” I ask, repressing the urge to bounce up and down in my seat with excitement as I enter fan girl mode. “They just… they’re so…” I pause to think, hoping the right description will somehow appear to me if I give it enough time. “I can’t even put words to it,” I say giving up finally. “They’re just so…”
“… them?” Francis proffers.
“Yes!”
“They ooze confidence, huh?” Francis says, somehow pulling the words directly from my mind.
I nod eagerly, then sigh as my gaze drifts back to Luce’s image on the TV. “I wish I could be like them.”
“What do you mean like them?” Francis shifts in his seat so that we are directly facing each other. His eyes search mine carefully. “It’s like Dr Seuss says, there is no one alive who is youer than you.”
“Be you, be yourself,” I parrot the mantra Francis and his uncle have been trying to drill into me for years. “I know. I just mean how Luce is so confident in themselves. Not scared or afraid. Just ‘this is me. Fuck anyone who tries to force me to be anything else.’” Francis falls back into the pillows, a rare swear word as shockingly impactful as an unexpected bullet. “That’s what I want. That confidence.”
“It’s not as easy as just clicking your fingers and saying; ‘be confident!’” Luce tells me with a laugh. “It doesn’t work like that. It takes practice, and time.” They smile. “It’s taken me years to get to where I am now. For years, I felt like biggest fraud. Like someone would uncover the truth that I wasn’t all that they thought I was. That I wasn’t all that. But the biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that, I am. I am all that. That’s where the confidence kicks in, I think. You’re still young, you’ll get there. I can see it in you already. You are.”
I can’t help blushing. “Thanks. But, what about in the meantime? Until I get there?” The last word comes out as an extra question, something Luce picks up on.
“It might be a case of fake it till you make it,” they tell me.”Why do you think I perform, Darling?”
I can’t help the small giggle that escapes my lips.
“But even then although a character might be the same on paper, they’re always a little different depending on the person bringing them to life.”
“I don’t think I’d have enough courage to do what you do. I wish.”
Luce reaches out to touch a hand to my arm. “It’s okay. Performing isn’t for everyone. I think it’s more important to master the art of being you and owning who you are. That in itself takes enough courage” They lean in closer, almost whispering. “ between you and me, I think it might of taken me longer to develop that confidence because I had to perform and I put on all of these masks. Although don’t get me wrong, masks are important. Because first you have to find who you are, which masks help with. Only then, once you’ve found you, can you truly be you. I think confidence stems from that knowledge.”
Luce rises to their full height, a whole half foot taller than me. Or so it seems.
“Thanks Luce. It was so wonderful to meet you.”
“Likewise, Linda.”
“Lin,” I correct on impulse.
“See? You’re already starting to really be yourself.” Luce gives me a knowing smile and a wink. “Keys has my details, so don’t be a stranger and keep in touch okay? I can’t wait to see you dominating too, Lin.”
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This story follows on from Be, which you can read here.
