Dead To Me

Alex,
You've been in my life for as long as I remember. I don't remember a time without you. You were always there, happy to help or give advice. You laughed, you loved and you shared with me. I've never known life without you in it. I can look back and see a thousand happy memories in the life of you and me. But now, I look back and tears start raining from my eyes.

Now, suddenly, somehow, everything is different. You're different. Once, I would have said I knew you almost as well as I knew myself. But as it turns out, I didn't know anything at all. I don't know if I ever knew you to begin with. I have no idea whether the person I've known for the past twenty years ever existed at all.

I can't take this. One of the few people in my life that I could always count on through thick and thin, vanished into thin air. You're still there, but I don't know this new person claiming to be you. This new person couldn't be further from the you I've known and loved all this time. There's this impostor posing as you. It's like you're possessed. Like some awful monster's taken you over. I hope you're in there somewhere, fighting to be set free. But I don't know if you are. I don't know where you are or if you're ever coming back.

I've tried to write you a thousand times, but the tears always take over. I can't finish. I can't bring myself to do what I know I have to. I don't want to let you go. Really, you took the choice with you when you vanished. I've just been pressing my hands to my ears, screaming. Refusing to hear the truth. I need you to be dead. It would be easier that way. So that's what I'm telling myself. That you're dead. Because you're dead to me now. I don't actually wish you were dead. What kind of person would I be then? But it's easier this way. Because you might not be dead, but the person that I knew is gone. I don't know if you're ever coming back. So, you're dead to me.

I hope there's some miracle someday and you'll be resurrected. But I can't just sit and wait for you forever. The very thought of facing this shadow of you leaves me shaking like a leaf. I haven't seen you since you disappeared. It's better this way. This way, I can remember the you I know and love, without my Alex being tainted by this new shadow of you. As it is, your shadow is lashing out, etching scratches in my skin. Only time will tell if the wounds will fade to scars and heal. All I've ever done is love you. But you aren't you anymore.You're dead. Dead to me. 

So know that I still love you and that I miss you more than you know. I know you're lost right now and it breaks me heart that I don't know where to find you or how to lead you back home. It's all too hard and I can't take it anymore. So I need to pretend that you're dead. Dead to me.

If you do find your way back home, know that I will be over the moon to have you back again. The Alex I know and love, back in my life. Everything right in the world again. I'm happy to forgive you. Because I know that you're not you right now. I hope I'll see you again one day. I hope you'll come back to me. The you I know and love.

But until then, I need to pretend that you're dead. Dead to me. I hope that one day, when you're not lost anymore, you'll understand. That for now, while the monster has taken you over, you're dead to me. It's the way it has to be. It's easier this way. But Alex, I love you. I miss you. Please come back. Please come home.

Sam