The Difference I See

While everyone else seems to be criticising this new English romance film, I’m sitting over here, by myself,  in support of it. Yeah, it’s not exactly something I would’ve necessarily expected of myself either.  Headlines like ‘better off dead than disabled’ is not exactly the most enticing advertisement, especially when you’re someone who actually has disability… but here we are. Seeing disability in a film feels like a rarity. Who am I to pass up the opportunity to see it, even if it’s a controversial one? Beggars can’t be choosers after all. So in spite of the criticism, I give it a go anyway. And honestly, I’m glad that I did. Because I see it differently. Let me tell you way. 

There is definite validity to the concerns about how young and impressionable minds maybe shaped by the narrative and the possible reflection of societies perception of disability it indicates. But I see a little bit more than that. In the lead, disabled character, I see someone not too unlike myself. Someone who has struggled frustrations life with disability means, and with the fact that those frustrations are their life. I’m someone who was born like this, with disability. But that character acquired their disability-  it hasn’t always been there for them. I imagine their frustrations and their struggles would be so much worse knowing the difference. From that lens, I can totally understand where their story took them, because I’ve been there too. Okay maybe not the exact same situation but the feeling is definitely one that’s familiar. 

In my experience, suicidality and suicidal ideation come about when someone can’t see any other way out of the pain or struggle they’re experiencing. It comes when someone can’t see an end to their suffering. When it might feel like they have no control left and there’s nothing else they can do. It’s an immensely dark place to be, but in that place, ending your life feels like a way to end suffering, A way out of the struggle, A way of taking back control. Often it feels like the only way to achieve all of those things. Take it from someone who’s been stuck in that dark place. 

Disability in a world built for ability. The frustration of having to try to navigate that world. Of being made to feel like, or worse, outright told that you don’t belong or there’s not a place for you in that world.  That’s the real problem. Because there’s nothing someone with a disability can actually do to get rid of it. It’s part of them whether they like it or not just the same as your eye colour is a part of you. And with how you can feel or be made to feel in the world sometimes I promise you that no one would necessarily choose disability. But at the same time, especially when it’s always been part of you, you wouldn’t not choose it either. 

I think that’s the kind of thing the main character in that story was struggling with. The thing that led them to seek to end their life . The frustration of a life newly filled with these struggles of living in a world not made or designed for you, where the price they have to pay is the full and rich life they used to have. A life they loved but can never have in the same way again. 

Given time, they might have been able to see or discover beauty in their new life. But the real tragedy, to my mind, is that they were stuck in that dark place. When you’re stuck in that dark place, it’s too dark to see any kind of possibility. The only way out you see is a pretty definite way, but in that dark place, it seems the only way. 

‘Disability is not a tragedy’, is the argument of many who are of the perspective the film’s message is ‘better off dead then disabled’. But for many, especially those who acquire their disability, it is a tragedy. It is vital that that’s allowed. If it’s not, there be many more who find themselves stuck in that dark place and who have more pain than is necessary. Disability doesn’t have to be a tragedy, but sometimes, it can feel like one. Feeling like your world as you know it has ended, can feel like a tragedy. That’s the difference I see. This movie is the story of one person. One person who has been handed a life they never imagined, nor asked for, at the cost of a life they loved. I think anyone who was put into that position might feel similarly. 

People with disability are not better off dead, But to some, it can feel like they would be. That problem lies in the society that’s not built for difference. A society that could be more accepting and inclusive of difference. A society where difference is often judged and hated on by others. That’s the difference I see. 

All of that doesn’t mean that the dark will always be. When you’re in the dark, it does feel like that, I know, but take it from someone who’s been there, it won’t. There will be a way out. And if you are someone like me he’s felt like that’s the only way out of your different, remember, different isn’t necessarily all bad. Some things and people might make you feel like different is all bad but that’s on them. It’s not your fault world isn’t set up for different. Just hold on. Life will come. You’ll find your way.

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If this story has raised any issues for you, please reach out for support from somewhere like Lifeline (Australia), or the equivalent in your country, and please take good care of you.